Cycling jokes

[Abradable Chin]

Why couldn't the man make his bicycle stand up? Because it was too tired.

I'm having a terrible job with my dog: he chases anybody on a bike. What did you do? I took his bike away.

both courtesy of "(Pam) Ayres on the Air" that was on Radio4 Extra when I couldn't sleep. The entire episode was about bikes, and it seemed as though she had genuinely ridden one and knew the terminology.

[Cyril Haearn]

Helms cartoon: two cyclists side by side

The one on the left wears a jersey marked
*John Smith Cycles*
His mate wears jersey marked
*so do I*

[reohn2]

Cyclist up before the judge for riding on the pavement.
The judge in summing up says "you're obviously a psychopath,and as a result I'll pass a suspended sentence" so ordered the cyclist to be hung

[landsurfer]

In the pub..
He walks in ....Red Tarmac...
"Leave him alone" shouts the publican to all there ....
'He's a Psyclepath !!!!!! " ........

[Cyril Haearn]

Not a cycling joke but one of my favourites

The media report that many forged bank notes are in circulation..

I took a 90€ note to the bank to get change
The teller did not bat an eyelid, *would you like three 30€ notes or two 45€ notes?* she asked

[Mick F]

Bruce Forsyth ................

Nice to seizure, to seizure nice?

[mercalia]

There was a young lady from Nottingham
Who used to pull wheelies ad infinitum
One day she let slip
Her bra in a clip
So now she rides merrily without em

[Cunobelin]

Mary had a little bike
She rode it on the grass
Every time the wheel went round
A spoke went up her..................Jumper

[reohn2]

A cyclist out for a ride breaks his chain and it disappears down a road side grid,so he begins to walk.
After a while a motorist in an opened topped sports car stops and asks if he needs any help,the cyclist explains his predicament,so the motorist offers to tow him to the next town where he knows a bike shop that may be able to help.
The cyclist accepts the kind offer but confessess he's a little wary of being towed by such a powerful car and asks the driver not to go too fast.
The driver tells the cyclist to ring his bell if he's driving to quick for him,so they set off at a sedate pace of 20 mph and the cyclist is happy.After a mile or two the driver decides to speed up a bit to 30 and then 40mph,what he doesn't realise is that the cyclist is furiously ringing his bell to tell him to slow down but the driver can't hear it because of the wind noise.By this time the driver is upto 50 and the cyclist is having a white out
Anyway they pass two old boys sat on a roadside bench in a little village,on their approach one of the old codgers says to the other "Blimey Giles look at the speed of this sports car,he's knocking on a bit"
Giles replies "well Fred I don't know about the sports car,but there's a chap on a bike ringing his bell trying to overtake him!"

[reohn2]

STI's aren't healthy.....

[Mick F]

STI's aren't healthy.....

That's why I sold mine.

[reohn2]

STI's aren't healthy.....

That's why I sold mine.

How did I know you'd post that reply

[mercalia]

Mary had a little lamp
its light was white as snow
And every where that Mary went
The lamp was sure to show

It went with her to school one day
which was against the rules
It made the children weep & cry
As she shone it in their eyes

And so the teacher turned it off,
But still it lingered on,
He waited patiently about,
Till Mary had left & gone.

"Why does the lamp obey Mary so?"
The tearful children cried.
"Why, Mary rubs the lamp, you know,"
Like Aladdin in the show.

[Norman H]

Lance Armstrong never failed a drugs test.

[Cyril Haearn]

Mary had a little lamb

The midwife was flabbergasted