Divorce

[francovendee]

Not me but good friends of ours have recently divorced after 30+ years. As it often is this divorce became very bitter.
No other parties involved and they now live in their own houses that are still in our village.
We're trying to stay friends with both of them but the wife gets very upset if she finds out we've seen her ex husband.
My wife tries not to mention us seeing her ex but being a small french village the jungle drums get the information to her.
We're really not sure quite how we don't end upsetting one of them, just hoping time will help.

[pwa]

Easy for me to say, but perhaps you need to get this out in the open and just say that you want to continue being a friend to both.

[mercalia]

strange how people can be married for such a long time then end it so badly. or am I naive?

[yakdiver]

After my divorce, (my wife walked out after me having an accident at work) most if not all my friends disappeared, it took a while, but now I know they were not my friends at all.

[francovendee]

pwa, We've had this conversation with both of them both before and after their divorce. Both agreed that we'd stay friends with both parties.
I reality it's not working for her.
My wife gets on very well with the wife and they do many things together, she was one of our earliest friends here so really doesn't want to fall out with her.
Our plan, such as it is to try and ignore the bad vibs and hope time will sort it.

[Carlton green]

strange how people can be married for such a long time then end it so badly. or am I naive?

People get married for all types of reasons and similarly stay together once married, sometimes the reasons are sufficient and good and sometimes they are not. Folk can also change an awful lot over the years and become very different people; both my wife and I have changed over the years but we are tolerant of each other, still have love for each other and still find that marriage is best for us - I’m hopeful that things will remain that way.

They do say that love is next to hate so a slip from one to the other becomes easier; someone who was once loved now feels let down or betrayed and another person might go aggressively OTT to justify to themselves and others their decision to split. Of course we are assuming a degree of logic here, but in matters of the heart logic is sometimes missing.

[PH]

strange how people can be married for such a long time then end it so badly. or am I naive?

It's not necessarily the end of the story, it's not uncommon for the bitterness to pass and a mutual friendship to develop. I know several ex couples who now get on well even though there was a time they didn't.

[Cyril Haearn]

Some people divorce then get married again, maybe even divorce again
Staying friends, or becoming friends again maybe after a period of hostility (often for financial reasons) is quite common, +1
(Social capital!)

In Trumpland some couples go to Vegas every year to marry again and again, if they split up I guess they only have to divorce once

The situation of the OP in a small community seems rare nowadays
Best to try to hold back and hope things calm down over time

[iandriver]

It's not necessarily the end of the story, it's not uncommon for the bitterness to pass and a mutual friendship to develop. I know several ex couples who now get on well even though there was a time they didn't.

I think you make a very good point. It may be worth saying to her that you wish to keep in touch with both parties in the hope that things will soften and all will appreciate it if they were both made to feel loved and welcome in the long run. Her gut reaction may be to want everyone on her side in the short term when she's down, but explain you can remain impartial and still be supportive of her.

Is there a version of relate there that can offer practical advice like the links here? https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship- ... nd-divorce

[661-Pete]

I have no experience of acquaintance with both sides of a divorced couple - but I do have that of the two sides of a perpetual grudge not connected with divorce - in France. Fact is, in the tiny village where our French house stands, one of our neighbours is an elderly Dutchman - living alone - with whom we're good friends. Unfortunately most of the rest of the village are up in arms against him, possibly with some cause (although there has been mischief from both sides). I'm sure it's been noticed that Mrs P and I are two of his few local friends, we don't have much to do with most of the other, mostly French, locals. That is, apart from an elderly French couple with whom we're also very friendly.

There has for years been some simmering resentment across the village, although less so since our Dutchman's chief antagonist left the village. We haven't encountered the hostility ourselves - except perhaps once. An anonymous note was one pushed through our letterbox, with the words ETRANGÉ GO HOMES (sic). Misspelt both in French and English, as you can see! Another English couple who also have their holiday home in the village, got the same - as did our Dutch friend. Nothing came of it.

I think it's always going to be awkward when the two parties to a hostile divorce live in the same small village - perhaps more so in France than Britain. Awkward both for them and for their friends, so it seems. Best would be for one of them to move away, I think. That's probably been suggested already.