POLITICALLY INCORRECT JOKE THREAD

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JohnW
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Re: POLITICALLY INCORRECT JOKE THREAD

Postby JohnW » 26 Apr 2012, 7:08pm

cycleruk wrote:Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's rather a lot. Apparently Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: Time to change supplier, I think.


Yes, but Oxfam's raison d'etre is to provide people with water.

The water company's raison d'etre is to take money from humans and share it out among foreign directors and shareholders - so that they don't have to work.

You are not a human to be served, you're a puntrer to be exploited.

Actually, for the half year, we're paying £215 - so is there room for me in Lancashire?

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cycleruk
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Re: POLITICALLY INCORRECT JOKE THREAD

Postby cycleruk » 26 Apr 2012, 8:09pm

JohnW wrote:
cycleruk wrote:Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's rather a lot. Apparently Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: Time to change supplier, I think.


Yes, but Oxfam's raison d'etre is to provide people with water.

The water company's raison d'etre is to take money from humans and share it out among foreign directors and shareholders - so that they don't have to work.

You are not a human to be served, you're a puntrer to be exploited.

Actually, for the half year, we're paying £215 - so is there room for me in Lancashire?


This is a "JOKE" thread and is not meant to be taken seriously. And my actual water bill is over £500 - now that is not a joke.
My first water bill was £12/year back in 1970.
There's no such thing as a tailwind.
It's either a headwind, or you're going well.

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cycleruk
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Re: POLITICALLY INCORRECT JOKE THREAD

Postby cycleruk » 26 Apr 2012, 8:11pm

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."
There's no such thing as a tailwind.
It's either a headwind, or you're going well.

JohnW
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Re: POLITICALLY INCORRECT JOKE THREAD

Postby JohnW » 26 Apr 2012, 9:25pm

This is not a post from me - it was sent by mistake - I tried to delete it, but there doesn't seem to be a way of doing that, so please forgive this ineptitude and stupidity.
Last edited by JohnW on 26 Apr 2012, 9:35pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Ash28
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Re: POLITICALLY INCORRECT JOKE THREAD

Postby Ash28 » 26 Apr 2012, 9:27pm

"I've really had it with my dog: he'll chase anyone on a bicycle."
"So what are you going to do - leave him at the dog's home? Give him away? Sell him?"
"No, nothing that drastic. I think I'll just confiscate his bike."


An over zealous traffic cop stopped the vicar on his bicycle: After checking the bike thoroughly and finding nothing wrong he had to let the vicar go: "You will never arrest me because God is with me wherever I go" said the vicar. "Right then" (said the cop) "I’m nicking you for carrying a passenger on a single seater vehicle!
The Only Cyclist In The Village

JohnW
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Re: POLITICALLY INCORRECT JOKE THREAD

Postby JohnW » 26 Apr 2012, 9:28pm

cycleruk wrote:........................This is a "JOKE" thread and is not meant to be taken seriously. And my actual water bill is over £500 - now that is not a joke.
My first water bill was £12/year back in 1970.


Yes - right - point taken - I'd forgotten that - in mitigation your post seemed serious to me, but I apologise if my response offended you in some way.

No room for me in Lancashire then.

Adios.
Last edited by JohnW on 26 Apr 2012, 9:38pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Ash28
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Re: POLITICALLY INCORRECT JOKE THREAD

Postby Ash28 » 26 Apr 2012, 9:30pm

You Know You're Addicted To Cycling When...

Your surgeon tells you you need a heart valve replacement and you ask if you have a choice between presta and schrader.

A Power Bar starts tasting better than a Snickers.

You wear your heart monitor to bed to make sure you stay within your target zone during any extracurricular activities.

The funeral director tells you "NO!" you can't ride your Cannondale in the funeral procession, even if you keep your headlight on.

You're too tired for hanky-panky on a Friday night but pump out a five-hour century on Saturday.

AND the number-one reason you know you're addicted to bicycling...

You no longer require a hankie to blow your nose.
The Only Cyclist In The Village

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Mick F
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Re: POLITICALLY INCORRECT JOKE THREAD

Postby Mick F » 26 Apr 2012, 9:43pm

Ash28 wrote:You Know You're Addicted To Cycling When...
Your surgeon tells you you need a heart valve replacement and you ask if you have a choice between presta and schrader.
Love it!
:lol: :lol:
Mick F. Cornwall

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ferrit worrier
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Re: POLITICALLY INCORRECT JOKE THREAD

Postby ferrit worrier » 27 Apr 2012, 4:17pm

Attorney "whats your date of birth?"

Witness " July 18th"

Attorney "What year?"

Wittness " Every year"

...............


Attorney "What gear where you in at the moment of impact?"

Witness " Gucci sweats and Reeboks
Percussive maintainance, if it don't fit, hit it with the hammer.

thirdcrank
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Re: POLITICALLY INCORRECT JOKE THREAD

Postby thirdcrank » 1 May 2012, 11:27am

pithhelmet2[ekm]300x290[ekm].jpg
pithhelmet2[ekm]300x290[ekm].jpg (10.33 KiB) Viewed 1716 times


When I go out in one of these, I tell my wife I'm just taking the pith. (Posted here to avoid upsetting anybody on the unnoticeable helmet thread.)

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Greybeard
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Re: POLITICALLY INCORRECT JOKE THREAD

Postby Greybeard » 1 May 2012, 7:15pm

Anusol - it's not the best oinment in the world, but it's still right up there :oops:

Steve

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al_yrpal
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Re: POLITICALLY INCORRECT JOKE THREAD

Postby al_yrpal » 31 Jul 2012, 7:18pm

For fans of Jewish jokes BBC4 at 11.00pm tonight. My Jewish cousins come up with some real crackers very often lampooning Jewish sensibilities. Definately one for the recorder, but not for those easily offended.
Al
Touring on a bicycle is a great way to explore and appreciate the countryside and towns you pass through. CTC gone but not forgotten!

brynpoeth
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Re: POLITICALLY INCORRECT JOKE THREAD

Postby brynpoeth » 7 Jul 2019, 5:35pm

hubgearfreak wrote:So Paddy goes for a job at the building site but the foreman says "Before I can give you a job, there's a couple of questions I need to ask you. do you know the difference between a joist and a girder?"

"Oh, dat's an easy one," says Paddy, "Joist wrote Ulysses and Girder wrote Faust."

+1!
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Cycling-of course, but it is far better on a Gillott
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661-Pete
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Re: POLITICALLY INCORRECT JOKE THREAD

Postby 661-Pete » 7 Jul 2019, 7:02pm

Wow! A thread bump-and-a-half, indeed! I've got several lined up which are probably too coarse for the 'Clean Jokes' thread (whether they're too coarse for this forum altogether, we shall see...). Anyway, here's a cycling-related one (sort of):
The elderly man is pedalling his bicycle slowly through the village, when he sees a beautiful, buxom young lady wearing an extremely short skimpy summer dress, standing by the roadside. The girl leaps up and down excitedly, beckons to him to stop, and asks “Hey, mister, please, please can I have a ride on your crossbar?” The old man replies “Of course you can, hop on”, so the girl straddles the top tube. As she does so her dress rides up her hips, and it is plainly obvious that she is wearing nothing under it.
They cycle on for a while, then return to the village; the girl gets off with a cheery "Thanks Pop!" As she walks away she twists round and says coyly, “I say, did you notice that I’m not wearing any knickers?” “And did YOU notice,” replies the old man, with a twinkle in his eye, “that this is a ladies’ bike?”
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity.
Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments...
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Pastychomper
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Re: POLITICALLY INCORRECT JOKE THREAD

Postby Pastychomper » 8 Jul 2019, 11:02am

For all her faults, I think Mrs Thatcher did a lot to unify the classes in this country.
When our teacher announced her resignation, the whole class cheered in unison.

(Well it's political, and kind of incorrect since I'm passing it off as a joke when the second sentence actually happened.)

And on a slight tangent...

Three schoolkids were comparing their fathers' sporting prowess.
"My Dad can run a hundred metres in 9.9 seconds," said one.
"Mine came third in the London marathon," enthused the second.
"That's nothing," said the third, "my Dad can run faster than the speed of light. He works for the council and they keep him there 'til 5pm, but he's always home by 2."
Everyone's ghast should get a good flabbering now and then.
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