Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

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Cyril Haearn
Posts: 14917
Joined: 30 Nov 2013, 11:26am
Location: Railway Cuttings East, Leafy Suburbia

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Cyril Haearn » 4 May 2020, 6:35pm

Why does a skoda have two exhaust pipes?
..
What does a smart person who buys a skoda instead of an identical v....n do with the money saved? :wink:
Entertainer, juvenile, curmudgeon, PoB, 30120
Cycling-of course, but it is far better on a Gillott
We love safety cameras, we hate bullies

peetee
Posts: 2765
Joined: 4 May 2010, 10:20pm
Location: Cornwall

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby peetee » 6 May 2020, 11:20am

Deliah’s determination to follow social distancing rules made her unpopular with her friends.
F4CE356F-2479-4B7A-8CA3-B2A8CA4E2A28.jpeg
Winter had arrived in the land of Kernow. Along with it came wet roads and cool winds.
“Oh, my wheels and coupling rods!” Peetee exclaimed.

Vitara
Posts: 228
Joined: 12 Feb 2014, 11:18pm

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Vitara » 7 May 2020, 3:10am

I've uploaded the NHS Tracking App

It showed that I visited an Optician, a Chemist and then went to Greggs

Now the Government know all about my lifestyle:

Specs & Drugs & Sausage Rolls

peetee
Posts: 2765
Joined: 4 May 2010, 10:20pm
Location: Cornwall

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby peetee » 7 May 2020, 6:53am

Vitara wrote:I've uploaded the NHS Tracking App

It showed that I visited an Optician, a Chemist and then went to Greggs

Now the Government know all about my lifestyle:

Specs & Drugs & Sausage Rolls


Ha ha!
Serves you right for using it, you Blockhead. :wink:
Winter had arrived in the land of Kernow. Along with it came wet roads and cool winds.
“Oh, my wheels and coupling rods!” Peetee exclaimed.

Cowsham
Posts: 971
Joined: 4 Nov 2019, 1:33pm

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Cowsham » 7 May 2020, 1:17pm

Vitara wrote:I've uploaded the NHS Tracking App

It showed that I visited an Optician, a Chemist and then went to Greggs

Now the Government know all about my lifestyle:

Specs & Drugs & Sausage Rolls


Class :lol:

colin54
Posts: 1484
Joined: 24 Sep 2013, 4:34pm

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby colin54 » 7 May 2020, 2:15pm

Vitara wrote:I've uploaded the NHS Tracking App

It showed that I visited an Optician, a Chemist and then went to Greggs

Now the Government know all about my lifestyle:

Specs & Drugs & Sausage Rolls

What's the warning tone for a nearby virus carrier, 'Oy-Oy !' ?

merseymouth
Posts: 2073
Joined: 23 Jan 2011, 11:16am

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby merseymouth » 7 May 2020, 5:13pm

Ring tone? "Another one bites the dust" - Queen. :roll: :roll: :roll: MM

kwackers
Posts: 15230
Joined: 4 Jun 2008, 9:29pm
Location: Warrington

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby kwackers » 8 May 2020, 10:51am

cremeeggs.jpg

Debs
Posts: 850
Joined: 19 May 2017, 7:05pm
Location: Powys

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Debs » 10 May 2020, 12:59pm

Well, I’m staying alert.

I spotted what looked like the virus under a park bench, so I immediately called the police, who quickly arrived on the scene and carried out a controlled explosion.

It turned out it was just a large, spiky red beach ball but you can’t be too careful.

peetee
Posts: 2765
Joined: 4 May 2010, 10:20pm
Location: Cornwall

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby peetee » 11 May 2020, 8:36am

Bomb squad teams were sent to hospitals and surgeries throughout the country after health professionals advised police to use masks and carry out controlled expulsions.
Winter had arrived in the land of Kernow. Along with it came wet roads and cool winds.
“Oh, my wheels and coupling rods!” Peetee exclaimed.

mercalia
Posts: 14578
Joined: 22 Sep 2013, 10:03pm
Location: london South

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby mercalia » 12 May 2020, 4:58pm

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< Sensitivity Intervention - One "joke" removed >


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Last edited by Graham on 15 May 2020, 8:05am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Sensitive - some users have relatives in care homes.

mercalia
Posts: 14578
Joined: 22 Sep 2013, 10:03pm
Location: london South

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby mercalia » 15 May 2020, 3:05pm

Capture.JPG

Capture.JPG

( who says the Spectator doesnt have a sense of humour?)

Debs
Posts: 850
Joined: 19 May 2017, 7:05pm
Location: Powys

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Debs » 16 May 2020, 11:31pm

My husband said i'm hopeless at DIY because i think gaffe tape is the answer to everything.

He's not saying so much now.

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kylecycler
Posts: 773
Joined: 12 Aug 2013, 4:09pm
Location: Kyle, Ayrshire

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby kylecycler » 17 May 2020, 12:25am

Bloke wearing a skin suit walks into a fancy dress party with a woman on his back.

"What are you, then?"

"I'm a tortoise."

"So who's that on your back?"

"Michelle."

Cyril Haearn
Posts: 14917
Joined: 30 Nov 2013, 11:26am
Location: Railway Cuttings East, Leafy Suburbia

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Cyril Haearn » 17 May 2020, 1:09pm

I was relaxing in a deck chair
'Please to think about mowing the lawn', said SWMBO
'Slow down please, I am thinking about washing the car. I shall think about the lawn later', I bleated
Entertainer, juvenile, curmudgeon, PoB, 30120
Cycling-of course, but it is far better on a Gillott
We love safety cameras, we hate bullies