Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

[Cyril Haearn]

Opened my birthday present
Oh no, it was a book, but I already have one!

[Audax67]

1. make of vehicle mentioned elsewhere on these fora, 'Why is it always an a**i?'

Let's face it, if he were driving a British car it'd probably break down before reaching the embarkation point.

Er... remind me, is there still a British-owned car industry in Britain?

[Cyril Haearn]

1. make of vehicle mentioned elsewhere on these fora, 'Why is it always an a**i?'

Let's face it, if he were driving a British car it'd probably break down before reaching the embarkation point.

Er... remind me, is there still a British-owned car industry in Britain?

French cars, are they even worse? Had a Renault 13, clutch cable broke. Twice
..
Was vorne kriecht und hinten jault, das ist ein Auto von Ren-ault

[pete75]

1. make of vehicle mentioned elsewhere on these fora, 'Why is it always an a**i?'

Let's face it, if he were driving a British car it'd probably break down before reaching the embarkation point.

Er... remind me, is there still a British-owned car industry in Britain?

There was until a month ago, Morgan but in March an Italian company called Investindustrial bought a majority of the shares. The vast majority of cars made in Britain are built by foreign companies Indian Tata , German BMW and VW, Japanese Toyota and Honda and French Renault and Vauxhall.

[661-Pete]

Aspiring politician's wish list:
1. Get ON.
2. Get HONOUR.
3. Get HONEST.

[But I doubt if any have ever got to stage 3.....]

[jb]

I wanted to buy something special for my nephews Christening,
so I thought of a personalised number plate for when he gets older
but I don't have much money -
so I got them to name him PW16 DTH
I told them it was Welsh...

[Cyril Haearn]

Man says to his mate "My wife's in hospital in Malaysia".
"Kuala Lumpur?"
"No, she fell off her bike."

Later she visited the Caribbean
'Did you make her?'*
'No, she went in her own Accord'#

* (Jamaica)
# Drove there %)

[merseymouth]

Hey Cyril Haearn, Get the old hoary joke correct - "My wife's gone to the west Indies! Jamaica? No she went of her own accord"! Last seen by me in the oldie film "Danger Within" (POW Film)
Often followed by "My dog's got no nose! How does it smell? Awful"! It's the way we tell em. TTFN MM

[Cyril Haearn]

MM: the old one is too simple, I like stuff one might not understand with dooble-entenders
Besides, wanted to mention the Japanese Art of vehicle manufacture
..
When a body is immersed in water..
The telephone rings

[661-Pete]

Hey Cyril Haearn, Get the old hoary joke correct - "My wife's gone to the west Indies! Jamaica? No she went of her own accord"! Last seen by me in the oldie film "Danger Within" (POW Film)
Often followed by "My dog's got no nose! How does it smell? Awful"! It's the way we tell em. TTFN MM

The 'Jamaica' one is at least as old as the (1955) Colditz movie - and probably a whole lot older than that!

The "dog's nose" one reminds me of a curiosity: I remember once hearing that joke told in Spanish. Most jokes don't translate well, but this one does: Mi perro no tiene nariz. ¿Cómo olerá? ¡Terrible!

[merseymouth]

Hi again, As Max Miller used to say - "Would you like one from the Red Book or the Blue Book?"
Living on a comedy diet of I.T.M.A., Around the Horne, Navy Lark et al one only saw rudeness if your mind went that way.
Listening to the likes of Rob Wilton one could just enjoy stuff without risk of offence, not the case with "Alternative" Comedians! IGICB MM

[Cyril Haearn]

Some Queer Beasts met up in the woods and got talking

'I am a Wolf-hound: mother wolf, father hound, what are you?'

'I am a Horse-fly!'

[Cyril Haearn]

My dog kept chasing people riding a bike.

It got so bad that I had to take the bike off him.

Brilliant

- My dog is so intelligent, she fetches the Grauniad from the shop every morning and reads it herself before breakfast!
- I know, my dog told me

[reohn2]

Well,it's the first of May and I hope by the end of the Month it's the last we'll see of May

[fausto copy]

Yeah, can't wait to see June again.