Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

[Mike Sales]

No standlights?

I never turn my dynamo lights off.
Last winter I'd be cycling through town and suddenly realised they were turned off. Used to happen randomly for no reason, I was beginning to think the switch was dodgy or a cable or something was 'brushing' it.

Then one morning I'm putting my bike in the basement at work and another cyclist said - oh you've left your lights on again, I normally turn them off for you.

I think it was before I had come across standlights. I was aware of the law on dynamo lights though, and was obeying it.
I too have had to explain standlights to helpful people, now I have them.

[Mick F]

I say, I say, I say.
My wife is going to the West Indies .............................

[Spinners]

Barbados?

[Spinners]

Picture the scene, a bar in Bridgetown, Barbados...

"Barman. I'd like a large rum please."

"Captain Morgan?"

No, Mick F from Cornwall!"

[Mick F]

I say, I say, I say.
My wife is going to the West Indies .............................

Jamaica?

No, she went of her own accord.

[Mick F]

I say, I say, I say.
My dog's got no nose ...................

[Cyril Haearn]

How does he smell?
..
I know Sailor smells good, any more photos? Has he stopped growing?

[Mike Sales]

"I sent my mother in law to the East Indies."
"Djakarta?"
No, by plane."

[661-Pete]

I say, I say, I say.
My dog's got no nose
How does he smell??

Even Hitler knew that one!

[mercalia]

Brexit Poetry Competition

https://blogs.spectator.co.uk/2019/08/b ... announced/

[661-Pete]

https://blogs.spectator.co.uk/2019/08/brexit-poetry-competition-winner-announced/

What a load of drivel! Still, what else can one expect from Spec readers? "Here's one I prepared earlier" - quite a while ago: I think it's better:

...This sorry nest of bigots, this septic isle,
This earth of travesty, this pool of tar,
This other pigpen, den of merchandise,
This mattress, dumped by nature, not herself,
Against infection by the p*ss of boors,
This wretched breed of men, this little place,
This muddy stone set in the stagnant mire,
Which serves it in the office of a hell,
Or as a goat offensive to a louse,
Against the pity of much happier lands,
This cursed blot, this mud, this reek---
This Englandshire.......

Incidentally, wasn't there a post about Bojo failing to learn his lines for Richard II? Perhaps the above will jog his memory...

[Mike Sales]

https://blogs.spectator.co.uk/2019/08/brexit-poetry-competition-winner-announced/

What a load of drivel! Still, what else can one expect from Spec readers? "Here's one I prepared earlier" - quite a while ago: I think it's better:

...This sorry nest of bigots, this septic isle,
This earth of travesty, this pool of tar,
This other pigpen, den of merchandise,
This mattress, dumped by nature, not herself,
Against infection by the p*ss of boors,
This wretched breed of men, this little place,
This muddy stone set in the stagnant mire,
Which serves it in the office of a hell,
Or as a goat offensive to a louse,
Against the pity of much happier lands,
This cursed blot, this mud, this reek---
This Englandshire.......

Very good. Have you sent it to The Spectator?

[661-Pete]

Very good. Have you sent it to The Spectator?

Have I cast pearls before swine?

[Mike Sales]

Have I cast pearls before swine?

You never know, it might get to some subversive underling who could appreciate the sentiment, as well as how well you catch the cadences.

[Mick F]

How does he smell?

Awful ............... like Hitler!

I know Sailor smells good, any more photos? Has he stopped growing?

No, not stopped yet. 14odd Kg now, 22inches tall at the shoulders.

Wilful, energetic, hard work but fun.