Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

[mercalia]

seems like the UK vaccine regresses humans to chimps

For its lead, the Times says an investigation by the paper has exposed a Russian disinformation campaign designed to undermine and spread fear about the vaccine being developed at Oxford University.

According to the paper, the crude theme is that the vaccine could turn people into monkeys because it uses a chimpanzee virus as a vector.

In response, the Russian embassy tells the paper the suggestion that Moscow would conduct any kind of propaganda against the vaccine is itself an example of disinformation - and obviously aimed at discrediting Russia's efforts in combating the pandemic.

[mercalia]

would explain a lot about Trump

[Mick F]

................ but chimpanzees aren't monkeys.

[kwackers]

I phoned in sick today and a suspicious sounding boss asked why I was only ever sick on weekdays.
I told him it was my weekend immune system.

(It's OK, I am a dad.)

[mercalia]

[cycleruk]

Frank the farmer had a nagging wife. She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field ploughing.
One day while in the field, Frank’s wife brought him his lunch.
While he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank’s old donkey kicked up his back legs, struck her in the head killing her instantly.
At the funeral, the Priest noticed that when the women offered their sympathy, Frank would nod his head up and down.
But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
After the mourners left, the Priest approached Frank and asked, “Why did you nod your head up and down to all the women and shook from side to side to all the men?”
Well, Frank replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down.
And all the men asked, “Is that donkey for sale?”

[Cowsham]

Frank the farmer had a nagging wife. She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field ploughing.
One day while in the field, Frank’s wife brought him his lunch.
While he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank’s old donkey kicked up his back legs, struck her in the head killing her instantly.
At the funeral, the Priest noticed that when the women offered their sympathy, Frank would nod his head up and down.
But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
After the mourners left, the Priest approached Frank and asked, “Why did you nod your head up and down to all the women and shook from side to side to all the men?”
Well, Frank replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down.
And all the men asked, “Is that donkey for sale?”

[paddler]

What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Boris Johnson?

One causes starving miners, the other causes starving minors.

[kwackers]

[Cyril Haearn]

How does a policeperson get around?

She drives a Kia Proceed

[bigbloke]

As the Xmas party Season approaches, but public toilets are increasingly unavailable,a new online
resource has been established, offering advice for those "Caught short" at the last minute.

weebyanycar.com

[Cyril Haearn]

Drivers were asked which kind of gearbox they preferred
44% preferred manual
29% preferred automatic
..
I deduce that 27% of mortons did not understand the question :(

A bit sickening maybe, but somehow funny too

[Syd]

Drivers were asked which kind of gearbox they preferred
44% preferred manual
29% preferred automatic
..
I deduce that 27% of mortons did not understand the question

A bit sickening maybe, but somehow funny too

27% indicated no preference?

[kwackers]

Drivers were asked which kind of gearbox they preferred
44% preferred manual
29% preferred automatic
..
I deduce that 27% of mortons did not understand the question

A bit sickening maybe, but somehow funny too

27% indicated no preference?

Perhaps they preferred EV's - I mean in a classical (and pedantic) sense EV's don't have a gearbox.

[Jdsk]

Well, it's you accusing yourself...
: - )
... but I don't think that's pedantic. And it's mostly accurate, although the Taycan has a two-speed transmission for the rear wheels but not the front! That's either for very interesting engineering reasons
https://www.peakresources.com.au/news/an-extremely-detailed-look-at-the-porsche-taycans-engineering-designed-to-take-on-tesla/
or for marketing...

Jonathan