Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

[Debs]

In one evening the Cherokee Chief drank twenty pots of tea.

The following morning they found him lying dead in his teepee

[Cyril Haearn]

Little Johnny was in a mess when he got to school 'a bird messed on my school cap', he bleated

'Count yourself lucky that pigs cannot fly', said the teacher to comfort him

[mercalia]

the funniest advert ( not meant to be ) I got emailed today

how many ears do you have?

[Flinders]

bmw: bin masslos wichtig/i am unimaginably important

bmw: bin von mercedes weggeworfen/discarded by mercedes

[Cyril Haearn]

:mrgreen:

bmw: bin masslos wichtig/i am unimaginably important

bmw: bin von mercedes weggeworfen/discarded by mercedes

Fiat
Fenster in alle Tueren/windows in all doors
Fehler in alle Teile/all parts are faulty

Opel [vauxhall]
O prima er laeuft!/my goodness, it goes!

Volkswagens are made in Wolfsburg, reg plate: WOB/Wessi ohne Bildung/uneducated West German
..
Toyota
This One You Ought To Avoid

[661-Pete]

Toyota
This One You Ought To Avoid

Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually.

[661-Pete]

The Lone Ranger is ambushed and captured by a party of hostile Sioux. He is brought to the Chief, who says: “So! Paleface him famous heroic Lone Ranger yes? In three days’ time Tribe sacrifice Paleface to appease Rain God, but Big Chief merciful and generous man. Him grant Lone Ranger three last wishes!”

The Lone Ranger replies “I’d like to speak to my horse please.” The Chief is a bit surprised, but agrees to this request and Silver is brought up alongside. The Lone Ranger whispers in his ear and the horse gallops off.

Later in the day the horse returns with a beautiful blonde in the saddle. The blonde dismounts, goes into the Lone Ranger’s tent and they spend a night of passion together.

Next day the Chief says “Big Chief much impressed. But Paleface still to be sacrificed two days from now. So what is Paleface’s second wish?”

The Lone Ranger replies “I’d like to speak to my horse once more please.” So he whispers in Silver’s ear and once again the horse gallops off.

Later in the day the horse returns with an even more ravishing brunette on his back. Once again, she enters the Lone Ranger’s tent for a night of wild passion.

Next day the Chief says: “Lone Ranger very clever man yes! But still we sacrifice you tomorrow! Now what is last wish?”

The Lone Ranger replies “I’d like to speak to my horse again – ALONE.” So the Chief allows him to lead Silver over behind the tents, where the Lone Ranger says out loud: “Listen, you dumb ass! Get this into your head. What I said was........



.....’Bring POSSE!’”

[Cyril Haearn]

-Little Amanda, I would like to give you a book for Christmas

-Please grandma, may I have your savings bank book?

[Cyril Haearn]

This lentil soup is lovely! Did you open the tin yourself?

[kwackers]

Brexit.

(Do I win an award for a one worder?)

[[XAP]Bob]

Brexit.

(Do I win an award for a one worder?)

It's not funny, so no.

[mercalia]

"Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic."

[mercalia]

I post this article here as it is so funny ( it could also be put in the Brexit thread )

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/dec/12/theresa-may-tory-leadership-brexit-conservatives?utm_term=RWRpdG9yaWFsX0d1YXJkaWFuVG9kYXlVS19XZWVrZGF5cy0xODEyMTM%3D&utm_source=esp&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=GuardianTodayUK&CMP=GTUK_email

[661-Pete]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have some good news and some bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "So - what's the bad news?"

"He was your doctor."

[661-Pete]

Q. Was that a real horse's head you used in filming the scene in The Godfather?
A. Yes. We first tried using a taxidermist's head, but it didn't look right.