Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

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peetee
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by peetee »

A pair of theoretical mathematicians on a two-dimensional planet were chatting at a bar.
“Frank, d’you know what I have been working on today?”
Nope, tell me Mike.
“The concept of three-dimensional space.”
Really? I can’t imagine why.
The older I get the more I’m inclined to act my shoe size, not my age.
pete75
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by pete75 »

Boris Johnson dies...
His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnson.
“I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush country house garden. Standing in front of it his dad...and thousands of other Conservatives who had helped him out over the years.......
The whole of the "Right" was there. .
Everyone laughing...happy...casually but expensively dressed.
They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of the "suckers and plebs". They play a friendly game of croquet and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Johnson with a frosty drink, "Have a Marguerita and relax, Boris!"
"Uh, I can't drink any more, I’m watching my weight," says Johnson, dejectedly.
"This is Hell, Boris: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"
Johnson takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks. kind of like an Oxford undergrad.
They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Johnson steps on the elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours, Johnson is made to chill with a bunch of honest,
good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently.
Not a nasty prank or mean joke among them; no fancy country seats and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special!
Worst of all, to Johnson, Jesus turns out to be some kind of hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' stuff.
"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Margaret never prepared me for this!"
The day is done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."

With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Johnson reflects for a minute, then answers:
"Well, I would never have thought I'd say this - I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all - but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of barren scorched earth called Brexit Britain covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste...

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to Johnson and puts an arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Johnson, "Yesterday I was here and there was a country house and we ate lobster and
caviar....drank cocktails.
We lounged around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us"
'Give me my bike, a bit of sunshine - and a stop-off for a lunchtime pint - and I'm a happy man.' - Reg Baker
kwackers
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by kwackers »

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kwackers
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by kwackers »

Just read an incredible 13th Century account of a feudal uprising where a duke's son was killed by rebels who used a trebuchet to knock him off the battlements with the only available ordnance: a peasant's decapitated head.
Apparently it was the first serf-face-to-heir missile.
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661-Pete
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by 661-Pete »

Oldjohnw wrote:Odd comment. I nearly went to Oxford. I nearly won the lottery.
Testimonial from seed merchant's customer:
"Many thanks for the excellent tomato seeds you sent me. Every one nearly came up."
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity.
Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments...
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pete75
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by pete75 »

Heard a religious person on the radio this morning saying "God is everywhere" - reminded me of this [youtube]qj6XAvuRn4Q[/youtube]
'Give me my bike, a bit of sunshine - and a stop-off for a lunchtime pint - and I'm a happy man.' - Reg Baker
kwackers
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by kwackers »

rowboatcop.jpg
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Mick F
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Mick F »

It's US joke.

We over this side of the pond, call it a rowing boat.
Mick F. Cornwall
peetee
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by peetee »

Mick F wrote:It's US joke.

We over this side of the pond, call it a rowing boat.


A form of locomotion that involves you travelling backward so you can’t see where your going. I’d call that “silly”. 8)
The older I get the more I’m inclined to act my shoe size, not my age.
kwackers
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by kwackers »

Mick F wrote:It's US joke.

We over this side of the pond, call it a rowing boat.

I'm not sure jokes are intended for pedants... ;)
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661-Pete
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by 661-Pete »

kwackers wrote:
Mick F wrote:It's US joke.

We over this side of the pond, call it a rowing boat.

I'm not sure jokes are intended for pedants... ;)
I think it's fair comment to say, some jokes don't cross the 'Pond' very well. For instance, US jokes involving the word 'ass' don't have the same salacious 'bite' over here....

BTW, I thought in the RN they called it a 'pulling boat'. And you were in the RN, Mick.....?
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity.
Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments...
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kwackers
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by kwackers »

661-Pete wrote:
kwackers wrote:
Mick F wrote:It's US joke.

We over this side of the pond, call it a rowing boat.

I'm not sure jokes are intended for pedants... ;)
I think it's fair comment to say, some jokes don't cross the 'Pond' very well. For instance, US jokes involving the word 'ass' don't have the same salacious 'bite' over here....

BTW, I thought in the RN they called it a 'pulling boat'. And you were in the RN, Mick.....?

But as a rule you can often get the gist of a joke.
The reality is that a lot of jokes don't work if you over analyse them.
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Mick F
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Mick F »

Yes, of course.
Don't over analyse jokes.

As for "pulling", yes you pull when rowing, but they aren't called pulling boats to my knowledge. They were just "boats" or "sea-boats".
The sea-boats in the davits in the old days were 27ft "whalers". We had a whaler on the starboard side for man-overboard rescues and general boat duties, and a very similar boat on the port side but was covered with a fibre glass roof and had comfy seats. It was called a "cutter".
Both the cutter and the whaler had inboard engines, but you could pull them if required.

These days .......... or was when I was in latterly ............they have one or possibly two rigid inflatable (RIB) inboard engined boats. Gemini was the name of them. They would go like the clappers!

My time in the RN was in frigates, so what the big ships had, I'm not sure. Probably just more of the same as we had.

Just found these.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Montagu_whaler
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rigid_inflatable_boat
Mick F. Cornwall
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CyclingGuy
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by CyclingGuy »

This last lockdown has really turned me in to a comfort eater....

I haven't put on any weight but breath now smells like fabric conditioner.
Read about my adventures on the British Cycle Quest at: http://www.quest.nwarwick.co.uk
Mike Sales
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Mike Sales »

Is there something fishy about this row in the SNP?
It's the same the whole world over
It's the poor what gets the blame
It's the rich what gets the pleasure
Isn't it a blooming shame?
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