Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

[Oldjohnw]

Story alert!

Not long after marrying, we moved up to Rosyth, Fife. Moved there summer 1974. I was 22 and Mrs Mick F was 18.
Both of us are Lancashire people and had no idea about Scotland or the Scottish way of life.
One evening, we went to a nearby village for a couple of drinks at a pub.

It happened to be Burns Night, but we'd never heard of it or had any idea that Burns even had a night.
Half way through the evening, a chap in a skirt with bagpipes squealing came in. closely followed by someone carrying a haggis on a tray.

Mrs Mick F and me roared with laughter and thought is a was silly joke!
No-one heard us laughing over the noise of the squealing and the audience clapping though.

I always think it a pity when Burns poetry is limited to a short quotation on Burns night. He was a powerful poet describing social issues and environmental problems.

[Ben@Forest]

I always think it a pity when Burns poetry is limited to a short quotation on Burns night. He was a powerful poet describing social issues and environmental problems.

He wasn't very 'woke' though and nearly took a job as 'Negro driver' on a slave plantation... in another 5 years will Burns Night be allowed?

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articl ... 0driver%22.

[Oldjohnw]

I always think it a pity when Burns poetry is limited to a short quotation on Burns night. He was a powerful poet describing social issues and environmental problems.

He wasn't very 'woke' though and nearly took a job as 'Negro driver' on a slave plantation... in another 5 years will Burns Night be allowed?

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articl ... 0driver%22.

Odd comment. I nearly went to Oxford. I nearly won the lottery.

[Ben@Forest]

He wasn't very 'woke' though and nearly took a job as 'Negro driver' on a slave plantation... in another 5 years will Burns Night be allowed?

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articl ... 0driver%22.

Odd comment. I nearly went to Oxford. I nearly won the lottery.

The article goes a bit further than that. As does this one:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.thegua ... n-sex-pest

I don't think Burns should be judged by the mores of the 21st century; but it's interesting which authors do and don't, or will and won't, get singled out for accusations of racism, misogyny, sexism etc now or into the future. Shakespeare is the obvious example, but also (and off the top of my head) Chaucer, Defoe, Nabokov, Mailer and EL James (the female author of 50 Shades) could all be accused of all or some of the above.

I don't think modern attitudes should applied to historical figures, but society does it and including on this forum. It's of interest if it ever gets applied to someone so wrapped up with Scottish identity.

[Syd]

And back on topic:-

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

[Oldjohnw]

He wasn't very 'woke' though and nearly took a job as 'Negro driver' on a slave plantation... in another 5 years will Burns Night be allowed?

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articl ... 0driver%22.

Odd comment. I nearly went to Oxford. I nearly won the lottery.

The article goes a bit further than that. As does this one:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.thegua ... n-sex-pest

I don't think Burns should be judged by the mores of the 21st century; but it's interesting which authors do and don't, or will and won't, get singled out for accusations of racism, misogyny, sexism etc now or into the future. Shakespeare is the obvious example, but also (and off the top of my head) Chaucer, Defoe, Nabokov, Mailer and EL James (the female author of 50 Shades) could all be accused of all or some of the above.

I don't think modern attitudes should applied to historical figures, but society does it and including on this forum. It's of interest if it ever gets applied to someone so wrapped up with Scottish identity.

I think you're just a little confused. For example, when we had the BLM history was not being rewritten or people judges out of time. History was just being acknowledge, possibly for the first time. Not rewritten but written.

When we condemn the British slaughtering people in in India or Kenya, that wasn't about applying modern attitudes to historical figures. That was acknowledging events which were obscene at the time but hidden. That they were hidden indicates that even at the time they were thought to be wrong.

[Ben@Forest]

I think you're just a little confused. For example, when we had the BLM history was not being rewritten or people judges out of time. History was just being acknowledge, possibly for the first time. Not rewritten but written.

When we condemn the British slaughtering people in in India or Kenya, that wasn't about applying modern attitudes to historical figures. That was acknowledging events which were obscene at the time but hidden. That they were hidden indicates that even at the time they were thought to be wrong.

And that's exactly what's happened to Burns. Previously he's really only been known for his poetry and a good night out. Now thanks to Me Too and BLM his life (if not his legacy) is being reappraised.

I say that, but of course for real Burns scholars or those interested in Scotland and Empire this is likely old news. There is very little which hasn't been written about before, simply the general public hasn't heard about it. It's the same in any professional sphere of life, something 'shocking' hits the headlines and day-to-day practitioners shrug and say, 'Old news'.

As an aside drop the 'l think you are confused', bit. It's incredibly patronising in an intelligent discussion. Anyway where are those jokes?

[Oldjohnw]

I think you're just a little confused. For example, when we had the BLM history was not being rewritten or people judges out of time. History was just being acknowledge, possibly for the first time. Not rewritten but written.

When we condemn the British slaughtering people in in India or Kenya, that wasn't about applying modern attitudes to historical figures. That was acknowledging events which were obscene at the time but hidden. That they were hidden indicates that even at the time they were thought to be wrong.

And that's exactly what's happened to Burns. Previously he's really only been known for his poetry and a good night out. Now thanks to Me Too and BLM his life (if not his legacy) is being reappraised.

I say that, but of course for real Burns scholars or those interested in Scotland and Empire this is likely old news. There is very little which hasn't been written about before, simply the general public hasn't heard about it. It's the same in any professional sphere of life, something 'shocking' hits the headlines and day-to-day practitioners shrug and say, 'Old news'.

As an aside drop the 'l think you are confused', bit. It's incredibly patronising in an intelligent discussion. Anyway where are those jokes?

Point taken and well made and with more courtesy than my own. Pax.

[pete75]

Thanks to google maps I've discovered Eric Burdon was right. There is a house in New Orleans.

[pete75]

I always think it a pity when Burns poetry is limited to a short quotation on Burns night. He was a powerful poet describing social issues and environmental problems.

He wasn't very 'woke' though and nearly took a job as 'Negro driver' on a slave plantation... in another 5 years will Burns Night be allowed?

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articl ... 0driver%22.

Woke - a word invented by the right to describe anyone to the left of Katy Hopkins. It seems to have taken over from their previous invention to describe the same, 'virtue signalers'.

[peetee]

I joined a guided walk of the Lake District. The leader said that he would need to move around the group but the route would always be visible and to carry on unless we heard otherwise. Well, as we strolled along this guy was weaving from left to right, behind us, in front, doing loops, you name it. At the end I asked him what that was all about. “Well” he said “What you have to remember was to you this was a day off from work for a walk from A to B, right? Whereas I, on the other hand, was following a career path”.

[Debs]

Thirty days has September,
April, June and November.
Unless a leap year is its fate,
February has just twenty-eight.
All the rest have three days more,
except January,
which has six thousand two hundred and eighty four.

[Debs]

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing who they were going to play in a new Hollywood blockbuster; The Great Composers!

“I wanna be Beethoven,” said Stallone.

“I gotta be Mozart,” added Willis.

“What about you, Arnie?” they asked…

[kwackers]

I think we can safely say this thread has sunk to a new low.
Thanks Debs...

[Stradageek]

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing who they were going to play in a new Hollywood blockbuster; The Great Composers!

“I wanna be Beethoven,” said Stallone.

“I gotta be Mozart,” added Willis.

“What about you, Arnie?” they asked…

I'll be Bach