Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

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Debs
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Debs »

mercalia wrote:What has this man been drinking? :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

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Brexit Kool-Aid ?
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Mick F
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Mick F »

Debs wrote:5 out of 6 Russian roulette players say it is perfectly safe.
Excellent.
Good one! :lol:
Mick F. Cornwall
Debs
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Debs »

The anaesthetist told me that he could put me under for the operation either with gas or by knocking me out with a large paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation.
Mike_Ayling
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Mike_Ayling »

Queen Elizabeth is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. She enters a ward full of patients, and notices that they’re all dressed in street clothes and have no obvious sign of injury or illness. The Queen approaches a patient and greets him. The patient replies:
“My heart’s in the Highlands, my heart is not here,
My heart’s in the Highlands, a-chasing the deer.”

The Queen is confused, but smiles and moves on to greet the next patient. The patient responds:
“Some hae meat an’ canna eat, And some wad eat tha’ want it,
But we hae meat an’ we can eat, so let the Lord be thankit.”

Even more confused, and smiling even more broadly, the Queen moves on to the next patient who immediately begins to chant:
“My love is like a red, red rose that’s newly sprung in June;
My love is like the melody that’s sweetly played in tune.”

Now very confused, the Queen turns to the accompanying doctor and bleats, “Is this a psychiatric ward?”

“No, Your Majesty,” replies the doctor. “This is the serious Burns unit."
Yvonned
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Yvonned »

Brilliant, what a start to a cold day.
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Mick F
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Mick F »

+1 :lol: :lol:

I need cheering up.
I'm in the process of doing plumbing in the bathroom. I needed to remove the bath.
Turned the mains water off, and turned off the hot supply next to the tank in the loft ....... that's the output of the tank, not the input.

All turned off fine. Bath out, and blanks on the pipe unions, then turned the mains water back on, then went into the loft to turn on the hot supply.

This is when it all went pear-shaped.

The valve wouldn't open. The knob turned, but the gate valve was steadfastly refusing to open. Nothing I could do but remove it ....... but how?
The tank is a big one, and filled of course. I sat down and scratched my (bald) head, then decided to lead a long hose through the window, up into the loft, and syphon the tank after turning off the cold fill first. It took over an hour to syphon.

I cracked open a union, and water poured out! Good job I'd taken two big buckets up with me! Still spilt lots of water up there though.
Found a replacement gate valve and removed the section of pipe and fitted it, then connected it up and turned on the cold fill.

All seems fine, but a job that should have been a quickie, turned into a minor nightmare!
Mick F. Cornwall
kwackers
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by kwackers »

Don't know what it is with gate valves.
You can always shut them (the thread forces them shut) but the mechanism they use to connect the gate to the thread must be made of cheese, doesn't require much effort to get them to part company.
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Mick F
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Mick F »

Yes.
I fitted a gate valve because of it's only under low pressure next to the tank. Maybe people like me should operate the valve monthly or quarterly to keep it exercised. That valve up in the loft hasn't been operated of maybe 15years. Could be more. :shock:

This bungalow is a "House that Jack Built" really. We bought a crappy bungalow for a pittance in 1997 and I've done everything, except for some windows and some of the electrics who we employed local workers for. Me myself, have knocked down walls, fitted doors, floored the place, fitted the whole kitchen as well as a bathroom, plus installed a solid fuel range in the kitchen and a woodburner in the lounge plus radiators in all rooms. This is despite that there was no kitchen to start with, and not much in the way of any heating at all.

The place needs demolishing and a new house built on the site. We have nearly three acres to use, and if and when the bungalow is pulled down, the site can be landscaped and a nice new house built ...................... but someone else can do it and pay us a fortune for the site .......... not the bungalow coz it's crap.



Sorry, going completely and utterly off topic! :shock:
Mick F. Cornwall
mattheus
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by mattheus »

Mike Ayling's post: hilarious :lol:

Subsequent posts: don't get them at all :(
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Cugel
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Cugel »

mattheus wrote:Mike Ayling's post: hilarious :lol:

Subsequent posts: don't get them at all :(


You had to be there, watching. It's called "clowning". I do it in the workshop but ensure no one else can see as it hurts my feelings to be laughed at when bleeding or having a paddy. :-)

Cugel
“Practical men who believe themselves to be quite exempt from any intellectual influence are usually the slaves of some defunct economist”.
John Maynard Keynes
mercalia
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by mercalia »

You too can look as good before and after buying a Peloton

Peloton exercise bike ad mocked as being 'sexist' and 'dystopian'

The ad, which has been viewed more than a million times on YouTube, sees a woman receive an exercise bike for Christmas from her husband.

She then records her workouts over the following year in a vlog and presents it to him as a way of saying thank you.

"A year ago, I didn't realise how much this would change me," she says.


shares down by 9% :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Advertising pays :!:


https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-50649826


[youtube]pShKu2icEYw[/youtube]

The easy way to travel :lol:
Tinpotflowers
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Tinpotflowers »

Tinpotflowers wrote:
Mick F wrote:Three friends married women from different parts of the world.

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Devon . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.



I think that very funny, but if I told that to a particular type of person in central London they would call me sexist and Stereotyping and would submit a formal complaint.

https://www.aauw.org/2014/08/13/why-ste ... s-are-bad/


I have told this joke to people in their 30's they either did understand it or thought it sexist. I still think it is funny.
mercalia
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by mercalia »

Tinpotflowers wrote:
Tinpotflowers wrote:
Mick F wrote:Three friends married women from different parts of the world.

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Devon . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.



I think that very funny, but if I told that to a particular type of person in central London they would call me sexist and Stereotyping and would submit a formal complaint.

https://www.aauw.org/2014/08/13/why-ste ... s-are-bad/


I have told this joke to people in their 30's they either did understand it or thought it sexist. I still think it is funny.


what was their gender? maybe if male a bit too close to home.......
Debs
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Debs »

There are no severe winds, rain or snow forecast for today.

The Met office have advised motorists to make unnecessary journeys.
Tinpotflowers
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Tinpotflowers »

mercalia wrote:
Tinpotflowers wrote:
Tinpotflowers wrote:

I think that very funny, but if I told that to a particular type of person in central London they would call me sexist and Stereotyping and would submit a formal complaint.

https://www.aauw.org/2014/08/13/why-ste ... s-are-bad/


I have told this joke to people in their 30's they either did NOT understand it or thought it sexist. I still think it is funny.


what was their gender? maybe if male a bit too close to home.......


Females in their 30's. I did warm them what type of joke it was
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