Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

[Oldjohnw]

To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you.

I have contacts.

[Debs]

A horse walks into a bar and asks the barman, “on a right angled triangle with sides x, y and z, if x and z are perpendicular which side is opposite the right angle?”
...and the barman replies, “y, the long face.”

[Debs]

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?


A cat has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma has a pause at the end of its clause.

[pete75]

[Oldjohnw]

My husband got stung on the face by a bee. His face is all swollen and his eyes hardly open. He is now seriously ill in hospital and he nearly died.

It's a good thing I was standing nearby with a shovel so that i could swat it.

[661-Pete]

In view of a recent happening involving 22 blokes and a plastic ball ....
I think I may get away with this jingoistic old-timer.

The following exchange is reported to have occurred between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. taxi to gate Alpha one-seven."
The 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."

[NUKe]

An American battleship ship is traveling at night around Canada when the radio comes on. It says "Canadian Navy to American Battleship, we have detected that you are on a collision course with us. Please alter your course 5 degrees north by north-east to avoid collision, over."

The ship's captain looks at his crewmates, gives them a wink, and picks up the radio. He replies, "American Battleship to Canadian Navy, you are on a collision course with us. Please alter *your* course 5 degrees south by southwest to avoid collision. Over."

The radio comes back on. "Canadian Navy to American Battleship, we can't do that. Please alter your course 5 degrees north by north-east to avoid collision. Over."

The captain takes the radio and, in his best show of authority, says "American Battleship to Canadian Navy. We are the USS Lincoln, one of the largest naval vessels in the entire US navy, and escorted by multiple support ships. If you do not alter your course, we will be forced to defend ourselves to avoid collision. Over."

The radio goes silent for a moment.

Finally, it comes back on. "Canadian Navy to American Battleship. We are a lighthouse. Your call. Over."

[Debs]

I said to the pet shop owner
“I would like a taller stand for my parrot but I haven’t much money. Can I get one and pay it off in instalments ?”
He replied:
“I’m afraid we don’t do higher perches.”

[PDQ Mobile]

I said to the pet shop owner
“I would like a taller stand for my parrot but I haven’t much money. Can I get one and pay it off in instalments ?”
He replied:
“I’m afraid we don’t do higher perches.”

I think you're stretching it!

[Debs]

I think you're stretching it!

That's nothing, i just found out that Albert Einstein really existed!

I always thought he was a theoretical physicist.

[Debs]

https://i.imgur.com/XmzwA0r.mp4

[Jdsk]

: - )

Thank you

Jonathan

[Mick F]

Thank you for what?
All I get is black blank screen.

[philvantwo]

It's typical click bait mick f. It's more fun to electrocute yourself than watch that rubbish.

[Mick F]

Sorry, missing that ............

My screen is black with that link.
Click-bait?
Just for a black screen?