Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

[Cyril Haearn]

A moton winds down his window and calls to two bystanders:

- say, are you twins?
- no, why do you ask?
- your mother has dressed you both in the same clothes!
- that is enough, show us you driving licence please!

A police joke, is that unkind, could anyone object?

[661-Pete]

Not sure if I have any French jokes up my sleeve (heard one or two but never understood them... )

But I know one or two about frogs, if that's OK....

An Engineering student is walking beside a stream when he hears a croaking sound. Bending down, he sees a frog by the stream. The frog says "if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful young woman..."

Astounded, the student picks up the frog, puts it in his pocket, and continues his walk.

A few minutes later, the frog calls out "did you hear me? I said, if you take me out and kiss me, I'll turn into the most wonderful girl you've ever met, I'll cook your meals for you and look after your flat and your clothes, you can't possibly turn me down...."

The student says nothing but simply continues with his walk.

The frog yells "What's this all about mate? I said, you kiss me, I turn into the world's most ravishing princess, I'll make mad passionate love to you for as long as you like, what's the matter with you!?"

Finally, the student replies: "Listen here, buster. I'm an Engineering student. I'm far too busy to have any time for girlfriends. But a talking frog? That's something to show my mates....."

[Cyril Haearn]

Working at police hq is like travelling in a luxury vehicle
..
In a rolls the loudest sound is the ticking of the clock
..
At police hq the loudest sound is the clicking of the mice

[pete75]

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.
Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though.
It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

[Cyril Haearn]

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.
Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though.
It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

+1, clean
Cola, beer, ciggies too one hopes

Another fitness studio one
When a body is immersed in water.. the telephone rings

[Cyril Haearn]

-Waiter, may I have another sugar lump please?
-Why, you have had ten already!
-Yes, but they have all dissolved in my coffee

[Cyril Haearn]

Apparently there are many forged bank notes in circulation
..
I went to the bank to change a €90 note
..
"Gladly, would you like three €30 notes or two €45 notes?", said the cashier

[Cyril Haearn]

Heiner Mueller was asked:
-Why do you speak so quietly?
-So I can tell each person a different story

[661-Pete]

A very old one this.

A guy is trying to impress his fiancée, they go to a very posh restaurant. After studying the menu for a while, the lady decides on the dover sole. Her fiancé says, "I'll have the dover sole too - and waiter! Please ask the chef to make sure it's really fresh!"

A moment later they hear the waiter shout across the counter to the kitchen "Two soles! One of them really fresh!"

[Cyril Haearn]

My local police force sends officers to patrol in groups of three
One can read
One can write
And one keeps an eye on those two intelligectuals
..
More police jokes please

[Cyril Haearn]

What animal wears a coat all year and pants in summer?

A dog

[Debs]

I went to the supermarket to buy a bottle of gin. I put it in the basket of my bicycle, but as I was about to leave I realised that if I fell off the bike the bottle would break. So I drank all the gin before I set off. And it's a good job I did because I fell off the bike seven times on the way home.

[Cyril Haearn]

I went to the supermarket to buy a bottle of gin. I put it in the basket of my bicycle, but as I was about to leave I realised that if I fell off the bike the bottle would break. So I drank all the gin before I set off. And it's a good job I did because I fell off the bike seven times on the way home.

Did the bottle survive?

[Cyril Haearn]

My local police force sends officers to patrol in groups of three
One can read
One can write
And one keeps an eye on those two intelligectuals
..
More police jokes please

I applied to join the police cycle patrol but we cannae start for a few months, we need to learn to cycle first

[Spinners]

In bed, my wife says I perform like two men... Laurel & Hardy.