An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it."I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie. The Scotsman says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Welshman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Welshman says, "Please fill it up with water."
'Give me my bike, a bit of sunshine - and a stop-off for a lunchtime pint - and I'm a happy man.' - Reg Baker
A pedant was being held in the dungeons of the coliseum.The centurion tells him he,s being thrown to the lions tomorrow.The pedant replied,"African or Asian? "
Cyril Haearn wrote:Quite disgusting but children somehow know it is not true, like Max & Moritz who were ground in the flour mill
And there were Hilaire Belloc's Cautionary Tales. And from an earlier generation, Heinrich's Hoffmann's Struwwelpeter. For example, the stories of Pauline (aka Harriet) who played with matches and was burned to death, and Kaspar (Augustus) who refused his soup and starved to death...
Similar is Edward Gorey's "Gashlycrumb Tinies", I think.
Courtroom scene: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity. Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments... --- Arthur Eddington (creator of the Eddington Number).
A teenage student, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about £50?' The man agreed and told her that she’d find a tin of white paint and some brushes in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realise that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'
Later that day, the student came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked. 'Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.' Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50 and handed it to her along with a ten pound tip. 'And by the way,' the girl added as she strolled through the gate, ... ... 'it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus.'
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity. Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments... --- Arthur Eddington (creator of the Eddington Number).
Donald Trump kidnapped! A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on a US highway. Nothing is moving. He sees a man with a bucket making his way from car to car. The driver winds down his window and asks, "What happened?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped President Trump! They're asking for $10 million in ransom. Otherwise they're gonna douse 'im with gasoline and set 'im on fire. We're going from car to car to take up a collection."
The driver, feeling for his wallet, asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
The man replies, "About half a gallon."
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity. Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments... --- Arthur Eddington (creator of the Eddington Number).
