Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

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Debs
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Debs » 21 Oct 2018, 3:44pm

Cyril Haearn wrote:I need jokes about a Welshperson, a Scotsperson and an Englishperson, anyone know any?
Diolch


A welshman, a Scotsman, and an Englishman walked into a pub.
The landlord looked them up an down and said, "Is this going to be one of those jokes?"

pete75
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby pete75 » 21 Oct 2018, 11:02pm

An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it."I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Scotsman says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England.
The Welshman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Welshman says, "Please fill it up with water."

Cyril Haearn
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Cyril Haearn » 30 Oct 2018, 10:02pm

Spreadsheet Phil tried to make some jokes about t*****s in his budget speech, I won't disclose them here as I am not sure whether they are clean :wink:
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Cyril Haearn
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Cyril Haearn » 1 Nov 2018, 9:28pm

Three professors were so engrossed in conversation they did not realise the train was arriving, it only stopped for one minute

They ran after it, two got on but one was left behind

"You were unlucky there, mate", said the porter

"Indeed, I meant to get the train and my colleagues just wanted to see me off" bleated that worthy :?
Last edited by Cyril Haearn on 27 Nov 2019, 1:45pm, edited 3 times in total.
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cyclop
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby cyclop » 14 Nov 2018, 12:16pm

A pedant was being held in the dungeons of the coliseum.The centurion tells him he,s being thrown to the lions tomorrow.The pedant replied,"African or Asian? "

Cyril Haearn
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Cyril Haearn » 14 Nov 2018, 12:37pm

'There are two expressions up with which I shall not put', said the teacher 'the expressions are dead ***** cool and a*****hole'

A voice was heard from the back of the class, "which expressions exactly do you not want to hear?"
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Debs
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Debs » 14 Nov 2018, 1:19pm

A burglar breaks into a house one night and as he is about to steal a very expensive bicycle he hears a voice in the dark say,

“Jesus is watching you”

Being scared, the burglar stops and listens.

After a few seconds he thinks the voice was his imagination and reaches for the bicycle again.

But again he hears a voice saying; “Jesus is watching you”

In shock the burglar switches on his torch and shines it around the room to see where the voice is coming from.

In the corner of the room he sees a Parrot sitting in a cage, “Did you say that ?” asked the burglar.

"Yes, I did", said the parrot, "because I only wanted to warn you that Jesus is watching you”

"Oh yeah", said the burglar laughing, "and what’s your name" ?

”Moses” replied the parrot.

"Are you joking?" said the burglar, "what kind of people call their parrot Moses” ?

The parrot looked at him and said," the same kind of people who call their Rottweiler Jesus" !

brooksby
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby brooksby » 14 Nov 2018, 2:11pm

661-Pete wrote:
Cyril Haearn wrote:Quite disgusting but children somehow know it is not true, like Max & Moritz who were ground in the flour mill :?
And there were Hilaire Belloc's Cautionary Tales. And from an earlier generation, Heinrich's Hoffmann's Struwwelpeter. For example, the stories of Pauline (aka Harriet) who played with matches and was burned to death, and Kaspar (Augustus) who refused his soup and starved to death...


Similar is Edward Gorey's "Gashlycrumb Tinies", I think.

Cyril Haearn
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Cyril Haearn » 14 Nov 2018, 4:44pm

Our German teacher was very unkempt, for weeks he wore the same jersey with a food stain on the front

One day the stain had gone. 'He has washed his jersey!' I exclaimed

Then he turned his back to us to write on the blackboard and we saw the stain again, on the back, he was wearing the jersey back to front :?

Hope that counts as a 'clean' joke :wink:
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661-Pete
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 14 Nov 2018, 4:52pm

Courtroom scene:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity.
Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments...
--- Arthur Eddington (creator of the Eddington Number).

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661-Pete
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 14 Nov 2018, 5:12pm

A teenage student, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about £50?' The man agreed and told her that she’d find a tin of white paint and some brushes in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realise that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

Later that day, the student came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked. 'Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.' Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50 and handed it to her along with a ten pound tip. 'And by the way,' the girl added as she strolled through the gate,
...
...
'it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus.'
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity.
Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments...
--- Arthur Eddington (creator of the Eddington Number).

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661-Pete
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 14 Nov 2018, 5:26pm

And another (sorry!)

Donald Trump kidnapped!
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on a US highway. Nothing is moving. He sees a man with a bucket making his way from car to car. The driver winds down his window and asks, "What happened?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped President Trump! They're asking for $10 million in ransom. Otherwise they're gonna douse 'im with gasoline and set 'im on fire. We're going from car to car to take up a collection."

The driver, feeling for his wallet, asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

The man replies, "About half a gallon."
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity.
Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments...
--- Arthur Eddington (creator of the Eddington Number).

Cyril Haearn
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Cyril Haearn » 15 Nov 2018, 6:41pm

Not so much a joke but another story proving that Bullies are Cowards

The nazis persecuted the church and executed some parish priests

One day the trench-coat guys called on the bishop of Osnabrueck and asked him to accompany them to the station

-Please to wait while I get dressed- said the bish. The nasties waited outside

Meanwhile the bish called -Parker, fetch the Robes!-

He opened the door after a while in full ceremonial dress, the bullies did not dare take him into custody
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sizbut
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby sizbut » 15 Nov 2018, 7:01pm

There are some good things about living in Switzerland - tobelerone, clocks, low taxes - but you'll have to agree that the flag's a big plus.

Cyril Haearn
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Cyril Haearn » 15 Nov 2018, 8:24pm

'I have been honoured to be appointed as Special Advisor to King Charles III', announced a professor of organic agriculture

'God shave the King!', breathed his wife
Last edited by Cyril Haearn on 16 Nov 2018, 2:27pm, edited 1 time in total.
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