Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

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Oldjohnw
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Oldjohnw » 17 Dec 2020, 3:57pm

I don't think I can take any more. It wasn't mint to be prolonged like this. But every post is now peppered with silly punnets.

Anyway, Seasonings Greetings. Have a rosemerry Christmas.
John

colin54
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Joined: 24 Sep 2013, 4:34pm

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby colin54 » 17 Dec 2020, 4:29pm

Oldjohnw wrote:Seasonings Greetings. Have a rosemerry Christmas.

Likewise I'm sure John, pun while it lasted tho'.

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cycleruk
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby cycleruk » 19 Dec 2020, 1:14pm

Two old women in church. One turns to the other and says, "I've just let out a big silent fart, what should I do?"
The other replied, "Get a new battery for your hearing aid".
You'll never know if you don't try it.

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cycleruk
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby cycleruk » 19 Dec 2020, 1:15pm

When I lived in Tralee I saw a man stood outside the pub door smoking a cigarette. A guard came up to him and said, "You're not two meters from the door". He replied, "I'm in that pub over the road".
You'll never know if you don't try it.

pete75
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby pete75 » 19 Dec 2020, 8:16pm

My wife asked me if I'd seen the cat bowl. I said No and to be honest I didn't even know it could play cricket.

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Paulatic
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Paulatic » 19 Dec 2020, 9:19pm

We wish you a Merry Christmas
and a Happy New Tier.
Whatever I am, wherever I am, this is me. This is my life

https://stcleve.wordpress.com/category/lejog/
E2E info

mercalia
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby mercalia » 20 Dec 2020, 4:09pm

Paulatic wrote:We wish you a Merry Christmas
and a Happy New Tier.


you too have a merry Covid-Mass

Debs
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Location: Powys

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Debs » 20 Dec 2020, 4:32pm

Make sure you continue to wear your face masks and socially distance during the festive season; there's a hum bug going around.

kwackers
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby kwackers » 21 Dec 2020, 3:10pm

After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor mistake.
He fell in love and had sex with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, training, and money.
A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

reohn2
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby reohn2 » 21 Dec 2020, 7:14pm

Kwackers :lol: :lol: :lol:
-----------------------------------------------------------

mercalia
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby mercalia » 21 Dec 2020, 7:34pm

Capture.JPG

Oldjohnw
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Oldjohnw » 21 Dec 2020, 8:41pm

Seriously worried that the possible lettuce shortage is just the tip of the iceberg.
John

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cycleruk
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby cycleruk » 22 Dec 2020, 6:55pm

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before -- the Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship come to mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns, trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, having never been able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and again pleads for the answer. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task. After many years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks and says, "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self-deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound... But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
You'll never know if you don't try it.

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ferrit worrier
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby ferrit worrier » 23 Dec 2020, 4:59pm

Breaking news

The whole of Cornwall has been placed into tier4 lockdown after hundreds of pirates returned home to Penzance to spend Christmas with their families.


Official figures show the Arrrrr rate has risen dramatically
Percussive maintainance, if it don't fit, hit it with the hammer.

peetee
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby peetee » 23 Dec 2020, 6:05pm

ferrit worrier wrote:Breaking news

The whole of Cornwall has been placed into tier4 lockdown after hundreds of pirates returned home to Penzance to spend Christmas with their families.


Official figures show the Arrrrr rate has risen dramatically


I can’t Hayle that news with any Praze.
BTW. I know it’s a joke, I’m not Gulval.
You’ve been a wonderful audience.
I’m here all Gweek.
Winter had arrived in the land of Kernow. Along with it came wet roads and cool winds.
“Oh, my wheels and coupling rods!” Peetee exclaimed.