Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

[Cyril Haearn]

Monkey-brain, motron-brain

'There are only two of these monkey-brain skulls in the country, one is in a museum and the other belongs to me' said the professor

[Vitara]

I quit my job at the Helium Factory after being told off by the Manager

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice

[661-Pete]

BMWs are quality cars

The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! (The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though, and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn).

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. (Why do underlings use this lane? Surely everyone knows it is for BMW drivers only?).

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and cruising along at 95 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got to within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!

He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grille and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager to oblige, and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driving licence to a Police Station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £50 each and I was only allowed three.) But the man at the Police Station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full twelve points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!

See, now THAT's the sort of respect you get when you buy and drive a BMW!

[Cyril Haearn]

bmw: bin masslos wichtig/i am unimaginably important

bmw: bin von mercedes weggeworfen/discarded by mercedes

[661-Pete]

Plenty of English examples as well, of course, like:
Barely Mobile Wreck
Boorish Money-Waster
etc. etc.

[Debs]

Len Deighton has written a new book,

it's all about Britain post-Brexit,


It's called: SOS-GB

[Vitara]

Given the choice of a wonderful wife or a wonderful bike, which would you choose

Dura-Ace or Campagnola?

[661-Pete]

Len Deighton has written a new book,
it's all about Britain post-Brexit,
It's called: SOS-GB

Well, whaddya know?!

Robert Harris is rumoured to be coming out with a new novel too, on a similar theme. It will be set in 2033, 15 years after the "what-if" scenario of Britain actually Brexitting.

Its title: Potherland....

[Bonefishblues]

Heck, even Damon Albarn has released an album about it.

[Cyril Haearn]

Spent some time reading all the jokes on this thread, +1

Just need a method to remember as many of them as possible

[Cyril Haearn]

The Financial Con-sultant got home from "work" and was greeted warmly by his seven-year-old daughter

-dad, I just earned my first € 10!

-I am proud love, how did you earn it?

-I sold your gold wristwatch to a man on the bus

[Cyril Haearn]

-darling, I just won a million on the lottery!

-wonderful, now we can afford to get divorced

[661-Pete]

Big televised darts match. Contestant walks up to the line. His first dart hits double-top. His second: also double-top. The third hits the wire, rebounds, goes flying into the spectators. There's a groups of Sisters from the local convent sitting in the front row: dart stabs one of them smack between the eyes.... stone-dead!

Scorer calls out: "One-nun-dead-and-EIGHTY!!!"

[peetee]

I have recently started my own company.
Business has been slow, so I promoted myself to Chairman of the Bored.

[Cyril Haearn]

-Who has slurped my porridge?- bleated Baby Bear
-I havnae even made the porridge yet!- growled Uncle Bear from the kitchen
..
Any more porridge or breakfast jokes?