Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

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Oldjohnw
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Joined: 16 Oct 2018, 4:23am
Location: Northumberland

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Oldjohnw » 27 Jan 2021, 11:17am

Mick F wrote:Story alert! :D

Not long after marrying, we moved up to Rosyth, Fife. Moved there summer 1974. I was 22 and Mrs Mick F was 18.
Both of us are Lancashire people and had no idea about Scotland or the Scottish way of life.
One evening, we went to a nearby village for a couple of drinks at a pub.

It happened to be Burns Night, but we'd never heard of it or had any idea that Burns even had a night.
Half way through the evening, a chap in a skirt with bagpipes squealing came in. closely followed by someone carrying a haggis on a tray.

Mrs Mick F and me roared with laughter and thought is a was silly joke! :lol:
No-one heard us laughing over the noise of the squealing and the audience clapping though.


I always think it a pity when Burns poetry is limited to a short quotation on Burns night. He was a powerful poet describing social issues and environmental problems.
John

Ben@Forest
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Joined: 28 Jan 2013, 5:58pm

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Ben@Forest » 27 Jan 2021, 11:32am

Oldjohnw wrote:I always think it a pity when Burns poetry is limited to a short quotation on Burns night. He was a powerful poet describing social issues and environmental problems.


He wasn't very 'woke' though and nearly took a job as 'Negro driver' on a slave plantation... in another 5 years will Burns Night be allowed? :shock:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articl ... 0driver%22.

Oldjohnw
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Joined: 16 Oct 2018, 4:23am
Location: Northumberland

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Oldjohnw » 27 Jan 2021, 3:03pm

Ben@Forest wrote:
Oldjohnw wrote:I always think it a pity when Burns poetry is limited to a short quotation on Burns night. He was a powerful poet describing social issues and environmental problems.


He wasn't very 'woke' though and nearly took a job as 'Negro driver' on a slave plantation... in another 5 years will Burns Night be allowed? :shock:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articl ... 0driver%22.


Odd comment. I nearly went to Oxford. I nearly won the lottery.
John

Ben@Forest
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Joined: 28 Jan 2013, 5:58pm

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Ben@Forest » 27 Jan 2021, 4:43pm

Oldjohnw wrote:
Ben@Forest wrote:He wasn't very 'woke' though and nearly took a job as 'Negro driver' on a slave plantation... in another 5 years will Burns Night be allowed? :shock:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articl ... 0driver%22.


Odd comment. I nearly went to Oxford. I nearly won the lottery.


The article goes a bit further than that. As does this one:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.thegua ... n-sex-pest

I don't think Burns should be judged by the mores of the 21st century; but it's interesting which authors do and don't, or will and won't, get singled out for accusations of racism, misogyny, sexism etc now or into the future. Shakespeare is the obvious example, but also (and off the top of my head) Chaucer, Defoe, Nabokov, Mailer and EL James (the female author of 50 Shades) could all be accused of all or some of the above.

I don't think modern attitudes should applied to historical figures, but society does it and including on this forum. It's of interest if it ever gets applied to someone so wrapped up with Scottish identity.

User avatar
Syd
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Joined: 23 Sep 2018, 2:27pm

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Syd » 27 Jan 2021, 5:23pm

And back on topic:-

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Oldjohnw
Posts: 5991
Joined: 16 Oct 2018, 4:23am
Location: Northumberland

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Oldjohnw » 27 Jan 2021, 5:51pm

Ben@Forest wrote:
Oldjohnw wrote:
Ben@Forest wrote:He wasn't very 'woke' though and nearly took a job as 'Negro driver' on a slave plantation... in another 5 years will Burns Night be allowed? :shock:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articl ... 0driver%22.


Odd comment. I nearly went to Oxford. I nearly won the lottery.


The article goes a bit further than that. As does this one:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.thegua ... n-sex-pest

I don't think Burns should be judged by the mores of the 21st century; but it's interesting which authors do and don't, or will and won't, get singled out for accusations of racism, misogyny, sexism etc now or into the future. Shakespeare is the obvious example, but also (and off the top of my head) Chaucer, Defoe, Nabokov, Mailer and EL James (the female author of 50 Shades) could all be accused of all or some of the above.

I don't think modern attitudes should applied to historical figures, but society does it and including on this forum. It's of interest if it ever gets applied to someone so wrapped up with Scottish identity.


I think you're just a little confused. For example, when we had the BLM history was not being rewritten or people judges out of time. History was just being acknowledge, possibly for the first time. Not rewritten but written.

When we condemn the British slaughtering people in in India or Kenya, that wasn't about applying modern attitudes to historical figures. That was acknowledging events which were obscene at the time but hidden. That they were hidden indicates that even at the time they were thought to be wrong.
John

Ben@Forest
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Joined: 28 Jan 2013, 5:58pm

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Ben@Forest » 27 Jan 2021, 7:46pm

Oldjohnw wrote:I think you're just a little confused. For example, when we had the BLM history was not being rewritten or people judges out of time. History was just being acknowledge, possibly for the first time. Not rewritten but written.

When we condemn the British slaughtering people in in India or Kenya, that wasn't about applying modern attitudes to historical figures. That was acknowledging events which were obscene at the time but hidden. That they were hidden indicates that even at the time they were thought to be wrong.


And that's exactly what's happened to Burns. Previously he's really only been known for his poetry and a good night out. Now thanks to Me Too and BLM his life (if not his legacy) is being reappraised.

I say that, but of course for real Burns scholars or those interested in Scotland and Empire this is likely old news. There is very little which hasn't been written about before, simply the general public hasn't heard about it. It's the same in any professional sphere of life, something 'shocking' hits the headlines and day-to-day practitioners shrug and say, 'Old news'.

As an aside drop the 'l think you are confused', bit. It's incredibly patronising in an intelligent discussion. Anyway where are those jokes? :wink:

Oldjohnw
Posts: 5991
Joined: 16 Oct 2018, 4:23am
Location: Northumberland

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Oldjohnw » 27 Jan 2021, 8:13pm

Ben@Forest wrote:
Oldjohnw wrote:I think you're just a little confused. For example, when we had the BLM history was not being rewritten or people judges out of time. History was just being acknowledge, possibly for the first time. Not rewritten but written.

When we condemn the British slaughtering people in in India or Kenya, that wasn't about applying modern attitudes to historical figures. That was acknowledging events which were obscene at the time but hidden. That they were hidden indicates that even at the time they were thought to be wrong.


And that's exactly what's happened to Burns. Previously he's really only been known for his poetry and a good night out. Now thanks to Me Too and BLM his life (if not his legacy) is being reappraised.

I say that, but of course for real Burns scholars or those interested in Scotland and Empire this is likely old news. There is very little which hasn't been written about before, simply the general public hasn't heard about it. It's the same in any professional sphere of life, something 'shocking' hits the headlines and day-to-day practitioners shrug and say, 'Old news'.

As an aside drop the 'l think you are confused', bit. It's incredibly patronising in an intelligent discussion. Anyway where are those jokes? :wink:


Point taken and well made and with more courtesy than my own. Pax.
John

pete75
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Joined: 24 Jul 2007, 2:37pm

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby pete75 » 29 Jan 2021, 5:48pm

Thanks to google maps I've discovered Eric Burdon was right. There is a house in New Orleans.

pete75
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Joined: 24 Jul 2007, 2:37pm

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby pete75 » 29 Jan 2021, 5:52pm

Ben@Forest wrote:
Oldjohnw wrote:I always think it a pity when Burns poetry is limited to a short quotation on Burns night. He was a powerful poet describing social issues and environmental problems.


He wasn't very 'woke' though and nearly took a job as 'Negro driver' on a slave plantation... in another 5 years will Burns Night be allowed? :shock:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articl ... 0driver%22.


Woke - a word invented by the right to describe anyone to the left of Katy Hopkins. It seems to have taken over from their previous invention to describe the same, 'virtue signalers'.

peetee
Posts: 2874
Joined: 4 May 2010, 10:20pm
Location: Cornwall

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby peetee » 29 Jan 2021, 10:19pm

I joined a guided walk of the Lake District. The leader said that he would need to move around the group but the route would always be visible and to carry on unless we heard otherwise. Well, as we strolled along this guy was weaving from left to right, behind us, in front, doing loops, you name it. At the end I asked him what that was all about. “Well” he said “What you have to remember was to you this was a day off from work for a walk from A to B, right? Whereas I, on the other hand, was following a career path”.
Winter had arrived in the land of Kernow. Along with it came wet roads and cool winds.
“Oh, my wheels and coupling rods!” Peetee exclaimed.

Debs
Posts: 873
Joined: 19 May 2017, 7:05pm
Location: Powys

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Debs » 30 Jan 2021, 6:12pm

Thirty days has September,
April, June and November.
Unless a leap year is its fate,
February has just twenty-eight.
All the rest have three days more,
except January,
which has six thousand two hundred and eighty four.

Debs
Posts: 873
Joined: 19 May 2017, 7:05pm
Location: Powys

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Debs » 2 Feb 2021, 11:27am

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing who they were going to play in a new Hollywood blockbuster; The Great Composers!

“I wanna be Beethoven,” said Stallone.

“I gotta be Mozart,” added Willis.

“What about you, Arnie?” they asked…

kwackers
Posts: 15452
Joined: 4 Jun 2008, 9:29pm
Location: Warrington

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby kwackers » 2 Feb 2021, 11:58am

I think we can safely say this thread has sunk to a new low.
Thanks Debs...

:lol:

Stradageek
Posts: 855
Joined: 17 Jan 2011, 1:07pm

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Stradageek » 2 Feb 2021, 12:47pm

Debs wrote:Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing who they were going to play in a new Hollywood blockbuster; The Great Composers!

“I wanna be Beethoven,” said Stallone.

“I gotta be Mozart,” added Willis.

“What about you, Arnie?” they asked…

I'll be Bach :lol: