Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

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Debs
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Debs » 4 Dec 2018, 12:25am

In one evening the Cherokee Chief drank twenty pots of tea.

The following morning they found him lying dead in his teepee :(

brynpoeth
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Joined: 30 Nov 2013, 11:26am

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby brynpoeth » 7 Dec 2018, 7:47pm

Little Johnny was in a mess when he got to school, a bird had messed on his school cap

'Count yourself lucky that pigs cannot fly', said the teacher to comfort him
Cycling-of course, but it is far better on a Gillott
We love the three Es: enforcement, enforcement & enforcement

mercalia
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Location: london South

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby mercalia » 10 Dec 2018, 11:00am

the funniest advert ( not meant to be ) I got emailed today
laugh.JPG
how many ears do you have?

Flinders
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Joined: 10 Mar 2009, 6:47pm

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Flinders » 10 Dec 2018, 4:16pm

:mrgreen:
brynpoeth wrote:bmw: bin masslos wichtig/i am unimaginably important

bmw: bin von mercedes weggeworfen/discarded by mercedes :wink:

brynpoeth
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Joined: 30 Nov 2013, 11:26am

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby brynpoeth » 10 Dec 2018, 4:30pm

Flinders wrote::mrgreen:
brynpoeth wrote:bmw: bin masslos wichtig/i am unimaginably important

bmw: bin von mercedes weggeworfen/discarded by mercedes :wink:

Fiat
Fenster in alle Tueren/windows in all doors
Fehler in alle Teile/all parts are faulty

Opel [vauxhall]
O prima er laeuft!/my goodness, it goes!

Volkswagens are made in Wolfsburg, reg plate: WOB/Wessi ohne Bildung/uneducated West German :wink:
..
Toyota
This One You Ought To Avoid
Cycling-of course, but it is far better on a Gillott
We love the three Es: enforcement, enforcement & enforcement

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661-Pete
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 10 Dec 2018, 5:03pm

brynpoeth wrote:Toyota
This One You Ought To Avoid
Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually.
Pete

Et qui rit des curés d'Oc?/De Meuse raines, houp! de cloques./De quelles loques ce turque coin./Et ne d'anes ni rennes,/Ecuries des curés d'Oc. - Louis d'Antin

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661-Pete
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 10 Dec 2018, 5:09pm

The Lone Ranger is ambushed and captured by a party of hostile Sioux. He is brought to the Chief, who says: “So! Paleface him famous heroic Lone Ranger yes? In three days’ time Tribe sacrifice Paleface to appease Rain God, but Big Chief merciful and generous man. Him grant Lone Ranger three last wishes!”

The Lone Ranger replies “I’d like to speak to my horse please.” The Chief is a bit surprised, but agrees to this request and Silver is brought up alongside. The Lone Ranger whispers in his ear and the horse gallops off.

Later in the day the horse returns with a beautiful blonde in the saddle. The blonde dismounts, goes into the Lone Ranger’s tent and they spend a night of passion together.

Next day the Chief says “Big Chief much impressed. But Paleface still to be sacrificed two days from now. So what is Paleface’s second wish?”

The Lone Ranger replies “I’d like to speak to my horse once more please.” So he whispers in Silver’s ear and once again the horse gallops off.

Later in the day the horse returns with an even more ravishing brunette on his back. Once again, she enters the Lone Ranger’s tent for a night of wild passion.

Next day the Chief says: “Lone Ranger very clever man yes! But still we sacrifice you tomorrow! Now what is last wish?”

The Lone Ranger replies “I’d like to speak to my horse again – ALONE.” So the Chief allows him to lead Silver over behind the tents, where the Lone Ranger says out loud: “Listen, you dumb ass! Get this into your head. What I said was........



.....’Bring POSSE!’”
Pete

Et qui rit des curés d'Oc?/De Meuse raines, houp! de cloques./De quelles loques ce turque coin./Et ne d'anes ni rennes,/Ecuries des curés d'Oc. - Louis d'Antin

brynpoeth
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby brynpoeth » 10 Dec 2018, 9:11pm

-Little Amanda, I would like to give you a book for Christmas

-Please grandma, may I have your savings bank book?
Cycling-of course, but it is far better on a Gillott
We love the three Es: enforcement, enforcement & enforcement

brynpoeth
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby brynpoeth » 10 Dec 2018, 9:51pm

This lentil soup is lovely! Did you open the tin yourself?
Cycling-of course, but it is far better on a Gillott
We love the three Es: enforcement, enforcement & enforcement

kwackers
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby kwackers » 10 Dec 2018, 10:33pm

Brexit.

(Do I win an award for a one worder?)

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[XAP]Bob
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby [XAP]Bob » 10 Dec 2018, 11:31pm

kwackers wrote:Brexit.

(Do I win an award for a one worder?)


It's not funny, so no.
A shortcut has to be a challenge, otherwise it would just be the way. No situation is so dire that panic cannot make it worse.
There are two kinds of people in this world: those can extrapolate from incomplete data.

mercalia
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby mercalia » 11 Dec 2018, 7:38pm

"Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic."


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661-Pete
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 13 Dec 2018, 10:40am

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have some good news and some bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "So - what's the bad news?"

"He was your doctor."
Pete

Et qui rit des curés d'Oc?/De Meuse raines, houp! de cloques./De quelles loques ce turque coin./Et ne d'anes ni rennes,/Ecuries des curés d'Oc. - Louis d'Antin

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661-Pete
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 16 Dec 2018, 3:57pm

Q. Was that a real horse's head you used in filming the scene in The Godfather?
A. Yes. We first tried using a taxidermist's head, but it didn't look right.
Pete

Et qui rit des curés d'Oc?/De Meuse raines, houp! de cloques./De quelles loques ce turque coin./Et ne d'anes ni rennes,/Ecuries des curés d'Oc. - Louis d'Antin