Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

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mercalia
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby mercalia » 16 Dec 2018, 5:04pm

why did the chicken cross the road?
to get away from KFC
( donated by an autistic chap )

mercalia
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby mercalia » 22 Dec 2018, 10:47am

ah a good one from George osborne

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-46655969

"The Conservative Party is heading towards a "prolonged period" in opposition unless it adapts to modern Britain, George Osborne has said.

The former chancellor, who was sacked by Theresa May in 2016, said the party needed to become more socially-liberal and pro-business to survive in power."

Heheheheh He wouldnt know socially-liberal if his nose was poked in it? Maybe I dont understand what socially-liberal is though?

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Spinners
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Spinners » 22 Dec 2018, 4:15pm

One for the Welsh but partially anglicized...

What do you call a Welshman with four prostitutes?


Pedwar Pimp.
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brynpoeth
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby brynpoeth » 22 Dec 2018, 4:18pm

Spinners wrote:One for the Welsh but partially anglicized...

What do you call a Welshman with four prostitutes?


Pedwar Pimp.

Pedwar = four
Pimp = five
Should anyone not understand Welsh :wink:
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mercalia
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby mercalia » 22 Dec 2018, 7:42pm

A John Cleese video how we need to reform the govt with proportional representation ( from some one who dont live here any more to protect his cash mountain from the Tax Man )




https://www.change.org/p/make-this-the-last-general-election-to-use-our-broken-voting-system/u/23790672?cs_tk=Ab79FrHmZ-S9EtAdIlwAE8qInj_u6DIcn2Vp8dwgvQ%3D%3D&utm_campaign=07a05e1b10e045feb092b0e845ce7413&utm_medium=email&utm_source=petition_update&utm_term=cs

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661-Pete
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 23 Dec 2018, 11:22am

mercalia wrote:A John Cleese video how we need to reform the govt with proportional representation ( from some one who dont live here any more to protect his cash mountain from the Tax Man )
Why have you got it in for John Cleese, in particular? In this and many other posts of yours? What is it about him that bugs you?

BTW - I don't suppose you know any jokes, yourself, do you? 'Cos you haven't actually come up with any.....
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby brynpoeth » 23 Dec 2018, 11:35am

'Where does the light go when I switch it off?' I asked the electrician
'Have a look in the fridge, it could be there' she replied
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fausto copy
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby fausto copy » 23 Dec 2018, 1:37pm

Interesting one that...and any particular reason the electrician was female?

It's a bit like my favourite:
you can put hot things in a vacuum flask and it they stay hot
and you can put cold things in and they stay cold.
But how does it know?

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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby brynpoeth » 23 Dec 2018, 1:43pm

fausto copy wrote:Interesting one that...and any particular reason the electrician was female?

It's a bit like my favourite:
you can put hot things in a vacuum flask and it they stay hot
and you can put cold things in and they stay cold.
But how does it know?

Female? Cos they are better, any particular reason they should be male? :wink:
Doubtless vacuum flasks are female too
..
Just checked my dictionary 'Thermosflasche' is the German word, it is female, confirmation bias?
German is a bit queer mind, 'Maedchen' (maiden) is neuter :?
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661-Pete
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 23 Dec 2018, 3:12pm

brynpoeth wrote:German is a bit queer mind, 'Maedchen' (maiden) is neuter :?
As are Kind (child) and Fräulein (miss). I know that much German! I think it's to do with diminutive nouns tending to be neuter.
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NATURAL ANKLING
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby NATURAL ANKLING » 25 Dec 2018, 3:43pm

Hi,
How can you tell someone's a Vegan?

They'll Tell You!
If You Don't Try You Don't Do.....Don't Do You Don't Get...I'm Still Trying....Well Very..
You'll Find Me At The Top Of A Hill...............Somewhere...After Dark..

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661-Pete
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 25 Dec 2018, 4:51pm

NATURAL ANKLING wrote:Hi,
How can you tell someone's a Vegan?

They'll Tell You!
Hello. This is not a joke, just a little anecdote. Please hear me out!

A couple of weeks ago our Bridge club held its annual Xmas buffet, at which members were encouraged to contribute some goodie or other to the feast. So I duly obliged with a recipe culled from Prashad, which I carefully labelled to say what it was, and also added the notes "vegan; GF". Afterwards, someone asked "who contributed the spicy potato balls?" - and upon my confessing that it was I, she came up to me and said "thank you, it was the only thing I could eat because I'm gluten-free". Whereupon, since there were a few potato balls left, I said "take all that are left, you can warm them up and eat them later at home". I did not ask why she had to eat GF - nor did she volunteer any reason. However, I felt quite chuffed at having done something which by chance was pleasing to another....

The point? This lady had not, as far as I know, said anything about being GF, to anyone else, before the buffet. Nor, as far as I know, had anyone proclaimed being a veggie or a vegan. As for me - a non-meat-eater - there were several things in the buffet I had to avoid: mostly obvious items like sausage rolls. I did ask about one or two uncertain dishes. But I didn't "tell anyone" in the sense imputed above.

Perhaps, in the circumstances, you might want to ask yourself whether digging up that tired old trope was in fact appropriate?
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity.
Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments...
--- Arthur Eddington (creator of the Eddington Number).

sjs
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby sjs » 25 Dec 2018, 5:24pm

661-Pete wrote:
NATURAL ANKLING wrote:Hi,
How can you tell someone's a Vegan?

They'll Tell You!
Hello. This is not a joke, just a little anecdote. Please hear me out!

A couple of weeks ago our Bridge club held its annual Xmas buffet, at which members were encouraged to contribute some goodie or other to the feast. So I duly obliged with a recipe culled from Prashad, which I carefully labelled to say what it was, and also added the notes "vegan; GF". Afterwards, someone asked "who contributed the spicy potato balls?" - and upon my confessing that it was I, she came up to me and said "thank you, it was the only thing I could eat because I'm gluten-free". Whereupon, since there were a few potato balls left, I said "take all that are left, you can warm them up and eat them later at home". I did not ask why she had to eat GF - nor did she volunteer any reason. However, I felt quite chuffed at having done something which by chance was pleasing to another....

The point? This lady had not, as far as I know, said anything about being GF, to anyone else, before the buffet. Nor, as far as I know, had anyone proclaimed being a veggie or a vegan. As for me - a non-meat-eater - there were several things in the buffet I had to avoid: mostly obvious items like sausage rolls. I did ask about one or two uncertain dishes. But I didn't "tell anyone" in the sense imputed above.

Perhaps, in the circumstances, you might want to ask yourself whether digging up that tired old trope was in fact appropriate?


Which circumstances are those? Most of the jokes in this thread are very bad indeed. Why does this one deserve such a long-winded response?

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661-Pete
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 25 Dec 2018, 5:58pm

sjs wrote:Which circumstances are those? Most of the jokes in this thread are very bad indeed. Why does this one deserve such a long-winded response?

Because it's not a joke, it's an insult. And offensive to boot.

I suggest this thread be locked. Some people have tried to contribute genuine - albeit old and well-worn - jokes. Others have hijacked it as a vehicle for their petty little prejudices.
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity.
Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments...
--- Arthur Eddington (creator of the Eddington Number).

brynpoeth
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby brynpoeth » 25 Dec 2018, 7:09pm

No the thread should not be locked, there are some good bad jokes, if it is locked I shall have too resort to my book of 300 professor jokes :?
I just ignore sick jokes I dislike, there are plenty of those :wink:
..
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