Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

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Spinners
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Spinners » 25 Jan 2019, 7:36am

I've written a book about poltergeists... it's flying off the shelves.
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Canuk
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Canuk » 25 Jan 2019, 8:36am

William Shakespeare walks into a 16th c. bar and orders a pint...

'Sorry I can't serve you mate'

'Do you know who I am?' says Shakespeare

'Aye, youre bard!'

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Mick F
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Mick F » 25 Jan 2019, 9:14am

Can't remember the joke, but the punchline was: "Finch, chimps, and mushy bees."

Any ideas?
Mick F. Cornwall

kwackers
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby kwackers » 25 Jan 2019, 10:01am

Mick F wrote:Can't remember the joke, but the punchline was: "Finch, chimps, and mushy bees."

Any ideas?

Ask Google. :wink:


Google wrote: A man got a job as a zookeeper, on his first day at the zoo he was walking past the aviary when he saw a beautiful finch.
He reached into the cage and caught the bird to give it a stroke. Unfortunately he squeezed too hard and killed the bird. In a panic he threw the dead bird into the lions cage to get rid of the evidence.

As he was walking away he accidentally knocked over the Bee hive exhibit. The hive crashed to the ground and the bees began to swarm out. In a panic he stomped all over the hive and killed the bees then threw the lot over the wall into the lions cage.

As he walked past the Monkey cage he turned to see all the monkeys taking the Mickey out of him. He flew into a rage and entered the monkey cage and punched the first monkey he saw, killing him outright. In a panic now he also threw the monkey's body over into the lions cage.

The next day the zoo introduced a new lion to the lion enclosure. The lion walked up to the leader of the pack an old and wise lion and said "Hi mate, I'm new, just got here from Africa, what's this place like then?"

"It's all right here mate" said the old lion.
"What's the food like then?" said the newcomer.
"Not too bad" said the old lion "Last night I had finch, chimps and mushy bees!"

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Mick F
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Mick F » 25 Jan 2019, 10:18am

Thanks.
:lol:
Mick F. Cornwall

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661-Pete
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 25 Jan 2019, 10:53am

This one will be utterly familiar to all software engineers (or ex-software engineers, like myself) out there. To be sung if you so wish:
♫ Ten nasty bugs,
Lurking in the code.
Ten nasty bugs,
Lurking in the code.
And if we fix one bug, and re-compile the code,
There’ll be eleven nasty bugs,
Lurking in the code.......♫
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity.
Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments...
--- Arthur Eddington (creator of the Eddington Number).

pete75
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby pete75 » 25 Jan 2019, 12:38pm

My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.
I said: “How can you say such a thing?”

Canuk
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Canuk » 25 Jan 2019, 12:55pm

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders two pints of beer. The bartender says he can only serve drinks one at a time.

The Irishman replies “See, here’s the thing. I grew up on a farm in Ireland with my brother, and every day after we were done working we’d go to the pub for a pint together. One day our father passed away and left us the farm, but it wasn’t big enough to support both of us and our families, so we decided that since I was the younger brother I’d go to America to seek my fame and fortune. However we also agreed that at the end of the day we’d go into the local pub and each have two pints, one for us and one for our brother across the pond.”

The bartender decides to go ahead and serve him the two pints. The Irishman drinks them both, pays and leaves. This goes on for a while until one day the Irishman comes in and orders a single pint.
The bartender brings him the pint and asks “Is your brother OK?”

The Irishman replies “Oh, my brother’s fine. I just quit drinking.”

Debs
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Debs » 25 Jan 2019, 9:18pm

Walked passed the fridge earlier and thought i heard an onion singing a BeeGees song.
But when I opened the fridge door it was just a chive talkin…

I asked the chive if it wanted to be an onion?
But it said ‘i’m stayin’ a chive, stayin’ a chive, ah, ah, ah, ah stayin’ a chive…

brynpoeth
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby brynpoeth » 26 Jan 2019, 7:17pm

Class 3 went to the station to get a train to visit the dinosaurs in the museum
Many trains stopped, but all were marked first and second class
After an hour the teacher decided they would hop on the next train even if it were not marked 'third class'

Hey teacher leave those kids alone! :wink:
Entertainer, juvenile, curmudgeon
Cycling-of course, but it is far better on a Gillott

brynpoeth
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby brynpoeth » 27 Jan 2019, 1:38pm

Constable Sargent stopped a car on a new bridge
'Congratulations, yours is the thousandth vehicle to use the bridge, you have won € 1000! What will you do with the cash?'
The driver said: 'I shall get a driving licence!'
The front-seat passenger cut in: 'ignore him, he is drunk'
The back-seat passenger said,'keep quiet, he might realise the vehicle is stolen!'
A voice was heard from the boot:'are we over the border yet?'
Entertainer, juvenile, curmudgeon
Cycling-of course, but it is far better on a Gillott

oldmanonabike
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby oldmanonabike » 27 Jan 2019, 3:05pm

A Cat died and went to heaven where it was met by St Peter who said
"You were a good cat you never hurt a living creature would you like some reward in Heaven"
The Cat replied " yes in the house were I lived there was a satin cushion which I longed to lay on but I wasn't allowed to,could I have one of my own in heaven please.
St Peter said yes I can arrange that no problem.
Later in the day half a dozen mice turned up at the pearly gates to be met by St Peter who said they had been very well behaved on earth and would they like a reward in heaven. Yes said the mice we used to watch children going past on roller skates it looked great fun so could we have some roller skates.
After a few minutes thought St Peter said well I don't see any problem with that so yes.
A few days later St Peter was cycling through heaven when he saw the cat,stopping he said hello Cat how are you getting on with your satin pillow.
The Cat replied
It's fantastic,wonderful,comfort beyond my wildest dreams

and meals on wheels is a great idea
I'm not getting older,just gaining more experience

brynpoeth
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby brynpoeth » 1 Feb 2019, 5:59pm

Uncle Ebenezer took little Percival fishing but they only caught one stickleback
"No wonder the fish are not biting, the worms taste perfectly disgusting!" exclaimed the lad to his mum when they got home
Entertainer, juvenile, curmudgeon
Cycling-of course, but it is far better on a Gillott

Debs
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Debs » 11 Feb 2019, 12:29am

While out riding my bicycle today in the cold weather i got splattered by a council truck spreading salt,

“THANKS VERY MUCH FOR THAT!” i shouted through gritted teeth.

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Audax67
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Audax67 » 11 Feb 2019, 10:51am

brynpoeth wrote:Constable Sargent stopped a car on a new bridge
'Congratulations, yours is the thousandth vehicle to use the bridge, you have won € 1000! What will you do with the cash?'
The driver said: 'I shall get a driving licence!'
The front-seat passenger cut in: 'ignore him, he is drunk'
The back-seat passenger said,'keep quiet, he might realise the vehicle is stolen!'
A voice was heard from the boot:'are we over the backstop yet?'


FTFY
Have we got time for another cuppa?