Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

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pete75
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby pete75 » 6 Feb 2015, 10:11am

Young chap up for an interview to join the police.
All seems to go ok and then the inspector says one final test.
Go to the arms store and draw a pistol and 100 rounds.
Then go out and shoot 10 muslims, 10 asylum seekers, 10 eastern europeans, 10 Rastafarians and 10 kittens.
The young guy says why the kittens?
Inspector says we like your attitude when can you start?

wrangler_rover
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby wrangler_rover » 6 Feb 2015, 6:41pm

I was stopped by the police when driving my car at 2am this morning.
They asked me where I was going.
I replied to a lecture on the evils of drink, the effects of drink on the body and wasting money.
They then asked where such a lecture would be given at 2am.
I replied at home and the lecturer is my wife.

townbikemark
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby townbikemark » 8 Feb 2015, 11:09am

Where I work, there's a lot of banter from lorry drivers some of whom are somewhat overweight...

The firm issues uniforms and questions were being asked (IIRC) about sizes. One of the drivers said that the only medium he ever sees is a woman in a tent with a chrystal ball...
stereotype nonconformance...unpigeonholable...

http://townbikemark.blogspot.co.uk/

TonyR
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby TonyR » 8 Feb 2015, 1:07pm

townbikemark wrote:Where I work, there's a lot of banter from lorry drivers some of whom are somewhat overweight...

The firm issues uniforms and questions were being asked (IIRC) about sizes. One of the drivers said that the only medium he ever sees is a woman in a tent with a chrystal ball...


Which bring back the oldie:

Madame Zara stared into her crystal ball and started to laugh so I hit her. I like to strike a happy medium.

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jezer
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby jezer » 8 Feb 2015, 11:18pm

I went into the bike shop. I said "I want a bike for my wife". The manager said "sorry, we don't do swops".
Power to the pedals

fluffybunnyuk
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby fluffybunnyuk » 9 Feb 2015, 4:42am

The other day on a ride, I was speeding down a narrow, twisting, mountain road. Then along comes a man who was driving very slowly uphill toward me, honking his horn and shouting at me.

"PIG! PIG!!" he yelled. "PIG! PIG!!"

So I flipped him the finger and shouted back some things I dare not repeat as I buzzed by him.

Still thinking about this awful man and his shouting, I turned the corner and promptly collided with a pig...

TonyR
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby TonyR » 9 Feb 2015, 9:36am

My wife had her best friend over for coffee the other day and they asked me if I thought I could satisfy two women. "Easy" I said and left.

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jezer
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby jezer » 9 Feb 2015, 5:02pm

I was riding along a country lane when my pedals suddenly seized up and I fell off. Suddenly a voice close by said "your chain has jammed". I looked down and sure enough it had, although the only living thing I could see was a white horse looking over the fence. I put the chain back on the ring and carried on to the cafe. I explained what had happened and the owner said "was there a white horse in the field?" I replied there was. He said "you were lucky to break down there, the brown horse in the next field knows nothing about cycling"
Power to the pedals

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al_yrpal
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby al_yrpal » 20 Feb 2015, 10:47am

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St.Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.

'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realises it, it's time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises....

The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St.Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.Peter returns.

'Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to hell.

When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.

'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning..
Touring on a bicycle is a great way to explore and appreciate the countryside and towns you pass through. CTC gone but not forgotten!

TonyR
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby TonyR » 20 Feb 2015, 10:54am

Which reminds me of a joke told to me by an MP.

Q: What's the difference between an MP and a shopping trolley?

A: You can fill both with drink but only the shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

brynpoeth
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby brynpoeth » 4 Aug 2018, 4:29pm

Plus One for Clean Jokes
..
- My dog used to chase anyone on a bike!

- How did you stop him?

- I took his bike away!
Entertainer, juvenile, curmudgeon
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brynpoeth
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby brynpoeth » 4 Aug 2018, 4:33pm

jezer wrote:I went into the bike shop. I said "I want a bike for my wife". The manager said "sorry, we don't do swops".

I went to the LBS (it is a bookshop now :?)
"I would like a bell for my bike"
The shop person examined my bike and replied: 'that would be a fair swop'
Entertainer, juvenile, curmudgeon
Cycling-of course, but it is far better on a Gillott
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brynpoeth
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby brynpoeth » 4 Aug 2018, 4:35pm

jezer wrote:Mrs jezer made me a cup of coffee. It was discusting, I said "this coffee tastes like mud". She replied "it would do, it was ground this morning". :lol:

Please do not criticise my coffee
You will be old and weak one day
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Cycling-of course, but it is far better on a Gillott
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661-Pete
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 4 Aug 2018, 5:10pm

Another oldie but perfectly clean (honest!):

A 85-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up, and the doctor decided to test him for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the surgery and ruefully handed over the jar, as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this: first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, then with both hands, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Mrs Bates from next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then her armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yes, none of us could get the lid off the jar".
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity.
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brynpoeth
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby brynpoeth » 4 Aug 2018, 5:26pm

Perfectly disgusting, Plus Two
Bad taste jokes are ok I think :wink:
Entertainer, juvenile, curmudgeon
Cycling-of course, but it is far better on a Gillott
We love safety cameras, we love life