Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

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661-Pete
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 15 Jul 2019, 9:05am

The teacher was assigning parts to several little girls for the Nativity play: one of them was to be the Virgin Mary, whilst the rest were to be Angels. But a squabble broke out amongst the girls, because all of them wanted to be the Virgin, and the teacher had to come and separate them.

"Children," she said wistfully, "it's not hard to be an Angel."
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity.
Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments...
--- Arthur Eddington (creator of the Eddington Number).

mercalia
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby mercalia » 19 Jul 2019, 9:44am

David Warren's casket, died 2010

David Warren.JPG
Inventor of the "Black Box" - Do Not Open


flight recorder.JPG
flight recorder



https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-australia-49012771

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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Spinners » 19 Jul 2019, 9:50am

Mrs. Spinners was luxuriating in the bath whilst I was shaving. I looked at my tired reflection in the mirror and said, "Look at me! I'm old, fat and bald... for God's sake, please pay me a compliment."

"Your eyesight's perfect," said Mrs. Spinners.
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brynpoeth
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby brynpoeth » 20 Jul 2019, 2:34pm

Uncle Ebenezer gave the lads a kiddies@golf voucher, Bryn and Cyril enjoyed teeing orf
'If the ball tends left, we talk about a hook, if it goes right, a slice', explained the golf teacher
'What if the ball goes straight?', bleated Cyril
'We would call that a miracle', breathed the teacher
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661-Pete
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 20 Jul 2019, 4:14pm

The manager of the furniture shop had earned a small bonus, so he decided to spend it on a weekend in Paris.

When he got back the sub manager asked him "How did you get on? And you not speaking a word of the language...?"

"Oh it was fine," said the manager. "There was this lovely young lady I met in the park. OK we couldn't understand a word the other was saying, but we got on all right. I took out a notebook and a pencil, and first I drew a picture of a taxi, so we went for a drive. Then I drew a picture of plates with food, so we went to a restaurant. After the meal I drew a picture of two people dancing, so we went to a night club. At the end of the evening she took the notebook from me and drew a picture of a double bed...."

"Remarkable!" said the sub manager. "She'd even figured out you were in the furniture business."
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity.
Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments...
--- Arthur Eddington (creator of the Eddington Number).

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661-Pete
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 23 Jul 2019, 2:08pm

NATURAL ANKLING wrote:How can you tell someone's a Vegan?

They'll Tell You!
How can you tell if someone's an anti-Vegan agitator? They'll eat a raw dead squirrel in front of a Vegan stall!

OK OK - not very funny - but then neither is yours...
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity.
Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments...
--- Arthur Eddington (creator of the Eddington Number).

bagpussctc
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby bagpussctc » 25 Jul 2019, 9:18am

An old wind turbine standing alone in a field miles from anywhere . He is real lonely . Then one day the land owners decide to erect a new one near to the dilapidated one . The old turbine, seeing his new companion, trys to make small talk, asking him what sort of music he likes. The new turbine replies "I am just a Heavy Metal Fan".

brynpoeth
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby brynpoeth » 25 Jul 2019, 6:07pm

That is called repowering, upgrading, the big bullies chase out the little ones, who are scrapped
It's the economy stupid :?
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby brynpoeth » 27 Jul 2019, 7:41am

brynpoeth wrote:Three professors were so engrossed in conversation on platform three that they did not realise the train was arriving, it only stopped for one minute

They ran after it, two got on but one was left behind

"You were unlucky there, mate", said the porter

"Indeed, I meant to get the train and my colleagues just wanted to see me off" bleated that worthy :?

On his next trip the prof set off for the station in good time, but he worried that he had forgotten his watch
So he checked his wristwatch, to see if there was enough time to go home and fetch it :wink:
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661-Pete
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 27 Jul 2019, 9:07am

Three professors are taking a trip by train, in Scotland. They look out of the window and see a brown cow grazing in a field.

"Look!" says the first professor, a professor of Economics. "All cows in Scotland must be brown."

"Not quite," says the second professor, a professor of Engineering. "Some cows in Scotland are brown."

"To be precise," says the third professor, a professor of Mathematics. "There exists at least one field in Scotland, containing at least one cow, at least one side of which is brown..."
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity.
Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments...
--- Arthur Eddington (creator of the Eddington Number).

mercalia
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby mercalia » 27 Jul 2019, 10:53am

ah the undertaker acts 2 make people speak proper

The comma touch: Jacob Rees-Mogg's aides send language rules to staff

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/20 ... GTUK_email

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661-Pete
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 27 Jul 2019, 11:12am

mercalia wrote:ah the undertaker acts 2 make people speak proper

The comma touch: Jacob Rees-Mogg's aides send language rules to staff
Not only that, but he's forcing everyone to use imperial units.

Has the guy no scruples*?

*or grains - or drams - or pennyweights - or rods, poles and perches?
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity.
Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments...
--- Arthur Eddington (creator of the Eddington Number).

brynpoeth
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Joined: 30 Nov 2013, 11:26am

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby brynpoeth » 28 Jul 2019, 2:29pm

'Dad, there is a small parents meeting at school tomorrow', bleated Cyril
'Small?'
'Yes, just you and the headmistress' :?
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby kwackers » 28 Jul 2019, 7:01pm

661-Pete wrote:Not only that, but he's forcing everyone to use imperial units.

Not quite everyone, when he ordered his suit he forgot to check what units his tailor was using.

jacob rees mogg.jpg

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661-Pete
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 28 Jul 2019, 7:19pm

Well, I just hope that when he heard on Thursday that the temperature outside was going to be 38° (38°F he surely took it as), that he put on his warmest woollies, scarf and gloves. And kept them on.
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity.
Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments...
--- Arthur Eddington (creator of the Eddington Number).