Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

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Mike Sales
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Mike Sales » 23 Aug 2019, 10:03am

kwackers wrote:No standlights?

I never turn my dynamo lights off.
Last winter I'd be cycling through town and suddenly realised they were turned off. Used to happen randomly for no reason, I was beginning to think the switch was dodgy or a cable or something was 'brushing' it.

Then one morning I'm putting my bike in the basement at work and another cyclist said - oh you've left your lights on again, I normally turn them off for you.



I think it was before I had come across standlights. I was aware of the law on dynamo lights though, and was obeying it.
I too have had to explain standlights to helpful people, now I have them.

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Mick F
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Mick F » 23 Aug 2019, 3:14pm

I say, I say, I say.
My wife is going to the West Indies .............................
Mick F. Cornwall

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Spinners
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Spinners » 23 Aug 2019, 3:41pm

Barbados?
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Spinners
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Spinners » 23 Aug 2019, 3:55pm

Picture the scene, a bar in Bridgetown, Barbados...

"Barman. I'd like a large rum please."

"Captain Morgan?"

No, Mick F from Cornwall!"
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Mick F
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Mick F » 23 Aug 2019, 4:44pm

Mick F wrote:I say, I say, I say.
My wife is going to the West Indies .............................
Jamaica?

No, she went of her own accord.
Mick F. Cornwall

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Mick F
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Mick F » 23 Aug 2019, 4:45pm

I say, I say, I say.
My dog's got no nose ...................
Mick F. Cornwall

brynpoeth
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby brynpoeth » 23 Aug 2019, 6:43pm

How does he smell?
..
I know Sailor smells good, any more photos? Has he stopped growing?
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Mike Sales
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Mike Sales » 23 Aug 2019, 6:46pm

"I sent my mother in law to the East Indies."
"Djakarta?"
No, by plane."

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661-Pete
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 23 Aug 2019, 7:10pm

I say, I say, I say.
My dog's got no nose
How does he smell??
Even Hitler knew that one!
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity.
Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments...
--- Arthur Eddington (creator of the Eddington Number).

mercalia
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby mercalia » 23 Aug 2019, 7:42pm


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661-Pete
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 23 Aug 2019, 9:46pm

https://blogs.spectator.co.uk/2019/08/brexit-poetry-competition-winner-announced/
What a load of drivel! Still, what else can one expect from Spec readers? "Here's one I prepared earlier" - quite a while ago: I think it's better:
...This sorry nest of bigots, this septic isle,
This earth of travesty, this pool of tar,
This other pigpen, den of merchandise,
This mattress, dumped by nature, not herself,
Against infection by the p*ss of boors,
This wretched breed of men, this little place,
This muddy stone set in the stagnant mire,
Which serves it in the office of a hell,
Or as a goat offensive to a louse,
Against the pity of much happier lands,
This cursed blot, this mud, this reek---
This Englandshire.......


Incidentally, wasn't there a post about Bojo failing to learn his lines for Richard II? Perhaps the above will jog his memory...
Last edited by 661-Pete on 23 Aug 2019, 9:49pm, edited 1 time in total.
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity.
Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments...
--- Arthur Eddington (creator of the Eddington Number).

Mike Sales
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Mike Sales » 23 Aug 2019, 9:48pm

661-Pete wrote:
https://blogs.spectator.co.uk/2019/08/brexit-poetry-competition-winner-announced/
What a load of drivel! Still, what else can one expect from Spec readers? "Here's one I prepared earlier" - quite a while ago: I think it's better:
...This sorry nest of bigots, this septic isle,
This earth of travesty, this pool of tar,
This other pigpen, den of merchandise,
This mattress, dumped by nature, not herself,
Against infection by the p*ss of boors,
This wretched breed of men, this little place,
This muddy stone set in the stagnant mire,
Which serves it in the office of a hell,
Or as a goat offensive to a louse,
Against the pity of much happier lands,
This cursed blot, this mud, this reek---
This Englandshire.......


Very good. Have you sent it to The Spectator?

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661-Pete
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 23 Aug 2019, 9:50pm

Mike Sales wrote:Very good. Have you sent it to The Spectator?
Have I cast pearls before swine? :roll:
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity.
Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments...
--- Arthur Eddington (creator of the Eddington Number).

Mike Sales
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Mike Sales » 23 Aug 2019, 10:02pm

661-Pete wrote:Have I cast pearls before swine? :roll:


You never know, it might get to some subversive underling who could appreciate the sentiment, as well as how well you catch the cadences.

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Mick F
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Mick F » 24 Aug 2019, 7:52am

brynpoeth wrote:How does he smell?
Awful ............... like Hitler!

brynpoeth wrote:I know Sailor smells good, any more photos? Has he stopped growing?
No, not stopped yet. 14odd Kg now, 22inches tall at the shoulders.

Wilful, energetic, hard work but fun. :D
Sailor Chair.jpg
Mick F. Cornwall