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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 12 Feb 2020, 5:26pm
by 661-Pete
mercalia wrote:Old man of 101 been here since 1966 wants to get confirmation he can stay after Brexit. Home Office replies - Please get your parents to confirm your age :roll: :roll: :roll: :lol: :shock:

http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2020/feb/12/home-office-tells-man-101-his-parents-must-confirm-id
Apparently they mistook his age for 1 year rather than 101. Our next-door neighbour has just turned 104 (yes - really!). We're wondering when she'll get the letter offering her a place in Primary School.

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 12 Feb 2020, 10:12pm
by Debs
661-Pete wrote: ...Our next-door neighbour has just turned 104 (yes - really!).
We're wondering when she'll get the letter offering her a place in Primary School.


Did she get a telegram from the Queen 4 years ago on her 100th? (...or has one given up the chore of sending them these days? )

I've worked out that our Queen will be 138 year old when she sends me my telegram :)

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 12 Feb 2020, 11:00pm
by 661-Pete
Debs wrote:Did she get a telegram from the Queen 4 years ago on her 100th? (...or has one given up the chore of sending them these days? )

I've worked out that our Queen will be 138 year old when she sends me my telegram :)
Yes - but it's not a telegram any more, it's just a birthday card - sent by special delivery though, with instructions that it must be delivered on the special day itself. Our neighbour showed it to us, along with the envelope. It has a picture of Her Maj on the front, and a message inside.

Since there are over 13,000 centenarians in the UK at present, Her Maj obviously doesn't have time to deal with all this oneself. There's a special Govt. office that handles the messages. But they'll only send one if you (or one of your relatives) apply for it.

Q. On what day (within the past 20 years) were no '100th' cards sent out? I make it 29 February 2000 - because since 1900 wasn't a leap year, there was no "29 Feb 1900". Perhaps the office who deal with them were given a day off on that day?!

If I make it to the ton (unlikely), even King Charles III would be over 100 when he sends me his. Would probably have to be King William V - or King George VII. All rather speculative... :?

Or is there any chance it could be King Harry IX? Given current circumstances, even less likely than my making it to 100...

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 14 Feb 2020, 6:37pm
by mercalia
from the Spectator

Screenshot2020-02-14at16.39.43.163951.png

‘Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m sure you won’t mind, if I don’t kiss you…

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 14 Feb 2020, 6:47pm
by Mike Sales
I thought my feet must have fallen off. Then I realised I was wearing my black socks.

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 15 Feb 2020, 9:03am
by peetee
I have decided to take a job as a mirror polisher.
I might take a shine to it or see things the other way but will have plenty of opportunity to reflect on my choice.

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 15 Feb 2020, 1:21pm
by 661-Pete
peetee wrote:I have decided to take a job as a mirror polisher.
I might take a shine to it or see things the other way but will have plenty of opportunity to reflect on my choice.
Just so long as you don't break your contract - else you'll be out of work for seven years.

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 15 Feb 2020, 1:30pm
by Debs
Post-Brexit innovative idea succeeds in selling by the thousand! :D

Image

A spokesperson said this brilliant idea has been in the pipe-line too long,
and now Brexit is Dung we can really clean up the pre-Brexit flush blockage! :lol:

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 15 Feb 2020, 2:29pm
by peetee
Debs wrote:Post-Brexit innovative idea succeeds in selling by the thousand! :D

Image

A spokesperson said this brilliant idea has been in the pipe-line too long,
and now Brexit is Dung we can really clean up the pre-Brexit flush blockage! :lol:


Ha ha.
And you can get stuff for all his odorous speeches too:
64601426-1246-4345-9DB5-0C04D7C88CEB.png
64601426-1246-4345-9DB5-0C04D7C88CEB.png (120.87 KiB) Viewed 462 times

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 15 Feb 2020, 3:33pm
by Debs
peetee wrote:I have decided to take a job as a mirror polisher.
I might take a shine to it or see things the other way but will have plenty of opportunity to reflect on my choice.


I too became a mirror polisher,

it was the only job i could see myself doing :D

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 19 Feb 2020, 1:23pm
by mercalia
Ebay

Cargo Ship for sale
Paypal only. Buyer Collects

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/in-pictures-51558440

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 19 Feb 2020, 2:06pm
by 661-Pete
Reminds me of the Athina B, which ran aground in a storm on Brighton beach in 1980. Became a major tourist attraction, staying put for some weeks, until the next spring tide when it was re-floated. I was living in Brighton back then, and I remember hurrying down to the beach to take photos. Alas! on the day of the re-floating, a dense sea fret had descended on the sea front, and I couldn't see a thing of the operation.

The ship was loaded with pumice, much of which spilled out onto the beach and into the water (pumice floats). I suppose, if I'd taken enough sacks, I could have collected loads of the stuff and made a killing selling it on... But there was no Ebay - indeed no internet - in those days...

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 19 Feb 2020, 2:52pm
by Cyril Haearn
I rang the vet to make an appointment for my unicorn
'I think a psychiatrist is what you need', she snorted
Uni is smart but she cannae talk, not sure how a psychiatrist could help with her digestive troubles :wink:

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 20 Feb 2020, 8:18pm
by Debs
‘To be is to do’ - Socrates

‘To do is to be’ - Sartre

‘Do be do be do’ - Sinatra

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 22 Feb 2020, 1:10pm
by Cyril Haearn
'I used my fee from the last gig to buy some socks', said a jazz musician to his chum

'Whatabout the rest of the money, what did you do with that?'

'There was no rest, I only just earned enough to pay for the socks :?