Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Use this board for general non-cycling-related chat, or to introduce yourself to the forum.
Cyril Haearn
Posts: 14917
Joined: 30 Nov 2013, 11:26am

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Cyril Haearn » 7 Oct 2018, 8:48pm

Bouleversement chez les flics, personnel changes at the copshop:

Mr Sargent has joined the force as Constable Sargent
Constable Constable passed the exams and is now Sargent Constable, he is in charge of Constable Sargent who reports to Sargent Constable

Constable Deadman does the autopsies and DC Lawless has been let go after he lived down to his name
Entertainer, juvenile, curmudgeon, PoB, 30120
Cycling-of course, but it is far better on a Gillott
We love safety cameras, we hate bullies

Cyril Haearn
Posts: 14917
Joined: 30 Nov 2013, 11:26am

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Cyril Haearn » 7 Oct 2018, 8:57pm

661-Pete wrote:I used to love and hate the 'Little Willie' ones at the same time:

In the cistern, little Willie,
Drowned his little sister Lily.
Father couldn't find his daughter,
Now we sterilise our water.

Little Willie with a shout,
Gouged the baby's eyeballs out.
Stamped on them to make them 'pop',
Mother said "Now William, stop!"

Willie built a guillotine,
Tried it on his sister Jean.
Said Mother, as she fetched a mop,
"These messy games have got to stop!"

Quite disgusting but children somehow know it is not true, like Max & Moritz who were ground in the flour mill :?
Entertainer, juvenile, curmudgeon, PoB, 30120
Cycling-of course, but it is far better on a Gillott
We love safety cameras, we hate bullies

User avatar
661-Pete
Posts: 9946
Joined: 22 Nov 2012, 8:45pm
Location: Sussex

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 8 Oct 2018, 8:42am

Cyril Haearn wrote:Quite disgusting but children somehow know it is not true, like Max & Moritz who were ground in the flour mill :?
And there were Hilaire Belloc's Cautionary Tales. And from an earlier generation, Heinrich's Hoffmann's Struwwelpeter. For example, the stories of Pauline (aka Harriet) who played with matches and was burned to death, and Kaspar (Augustus) who refused his soup and starved to death...
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity.
Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments...
--- Arthur Eddington (creator of the Eddington Number).

Cyril Haearn
Posts: 14917
Joined: 30 Nov 2013, 11:26am

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Cyril Haearn » 8 Oct 2018, 9:15pm

Constable Sargent stopped a moton who was exceeding the maximum speed limit

"My tank is nearly empty, I was going fast in the hope of getting to the filling station before the fuel ran out" bleated that unworthy
Last edited by Cyril Haearn on 27 Nov 2019, 1:42pm, edited 1 time in total.
Entertainer, juvenile, curmudgeon, PoB, 30120
Cycling-of course, but it is far better on a Gillott
We love safety cameras, we hate bullies

Debs
Posts: 873
Joined: 19 May 2017, 7:05pm
Location: Powys

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Debs » 8 Oct 2018, 10:53pm

Cyril Haearn wrote:Constable Sargent stopped a moton who was exceeding the maximum speed limit

"My tank is nearly empty, I was going fast in the hope of getting to the filling station before the fuel ran out" whimpered that unworthy


Was that the same guy who painted his fence as quickly as he could, and when someone asked him why he was hurrying, he replied he was trying to get all the fence painted before the paint pot runs out of paint?

A brush with the law? :D

User avatar
661-Pete
Posts: 9946
Joined: 22 Nov 2012, 8:45pm
Location: Sussex

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 9 Oct 2018, 8:10am

Cyril Haearn wrote:Constable Sargent stopped a moton who was exceeding the maximum speed limit

"My tank is nearly empty, I was going fast in the hope of getting to the filling station before the fuel ran out" whimpered that unworthy
Actually, there's a grain of truth in that, according to a TV documentary I saw some years ago, about motorway gridlock. Apparently the police pull in numerous motorists trying to sneak past on the hard shoulder (which is illegal - especially after an accident, it should be left free for the emergency services). One excuse given is that the driver was "running low on petrol".

I suppose it's true that a car running in 4th or 5th gear will consume less fuel, per mile, than one creeping along stop/start in 1st. Especially if they keep their engine running while stationary. But this doesn't excuse putting people's lives at risk.

Sorry - thread drift. Back to the jokes... :)
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity.
Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments...
--- Arthur Eddington (creator of the Eddington Number).

Cyril Haearn
Posts: 14917
Joined: 30 Nov 2013, 11:26am

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Cyril Haearn » 14 Oct 2018, 12:34pm

-That is the fourth time you have been late for work this week, please explain

-Err, today is thursday!
Entertainer, juvenile, curmudgeon, PoB, 30120
Cycling-of course, but it is far better on a Gillott
We love safety cameras, we hate bullies

User avatar
661-Pete
Posts: 9946
Joined: 22 Nov 2012, 8:45pm
Location: Sussex

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 14 Oct 2018, 1:17pm

A well-heeled man-about-town is driving his flashy sports car through the countryside when he spots an elderly farmer leaning on a field gate. He stops and goes over to chat to the old man:
"I say, my good man," he says, pointing into the field, "can you tell me why that cow has no horns?"
"Well," replies the farmer, "there are lots of reasons. Some breeds of cattle don't grow horns at all; some don't get horns until late in life; some of them are de-horned when young, and some of them simply lose their horns somehow. But the main reason why that there cow doesn't have any horns, is because of the reason that it happens to be a horse..."
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity.
Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments...
--- Arthur Eddington (creator of the Eddington Number).

Cyril Haearn
Posts: 14917
Joined: 30 Nov 2013, 11:26am

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Cyril Haearn » 14 Oct 2018, 1:43pm

Stupid moton joke, +1
Entertainer, juvenile, curmudgeon, PoB, 30120
Cycling-of course, but it is far better on a Gillott
We love safety cameras, we hate bullies

User avatar
661-Pete
Posts: 9946
Joined: 22 Nov 2012, 8:45pm
Location: Sussex

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 14 Oct 2018, 3:49pm

"Knock knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Biggish"
"Biggish who?"
"No thanks, I haven't got any change...."
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity.
Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments...
--- Arthur Eddington (creator of the Eddington Number).

Cyril Haearn
Posts: 14917
Joined: 30 Nov 2013, 11:26am

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Cyril Haearn » 20 Oct 2018, 10:20am

"A camel is a horse designed by a committee"

- Very good, a camel is more versatile than a horse, Plus One for committees!

- Yes, but the committee was instructed to design a horse!
Entertainer, juvenile, curmudgeon, PoB, 30120
Cycling-of course, but it is far better on a Gillott
We love safety cameras, we hate bullies

pwa
Posts: 13885
Joined: 2 Oct 2011, 8:55pm

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby pwa » 20 Oct 2018, 10:23am

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Needap...

Cyril Haearn
Posts: 14917
Joined: 30 Nov 2013, 11:26am

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Cyril Haearn » 20 Oct 2018, 10:26am

Needap who?

Need a pee!
..
I am often not so good at completing jokes, am I right this time? :wink:
Entertainer, juvenile, curmudgeon, PoB, 30120
Cycling-of course, but it is far better on a Gillott
We love safety cameras, we hate bullies

pete75
Posts: 13696
Joined: 24 Jul 2007, 2:37pm

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby pete75 » 20 Oct 2018, 3:05pm

Describe yourself in three words.

Lazy.

Cyril Haearn
Posts: 14917
Joined: 30 Nov 2013, 11:26am

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Cyril Haearn » 20 Oct 2018, 8:59pm

I need jokes about a Welshperson, a Scotsperson and an Englishperson, anyone know any?
Diolch
Entertainer, juvenile, curmudgeon, PoB, 30120
Cycling-of course, but it is far better on a Gillott
We love safety cameras, we hate bullies