Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

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ferrit worrier
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby ferrit worrier » 21 Sep 2020, 5:09pm

Last week I had to deliver a eulogy for my Dad who passed away at age 92 a good innings. he always liked a good joke and he was a well respected member of his local church and could be seen in a corner sharing a joke or two. So I decided to keep up his tradition and told Cycling guys joke about the mummy coated in chocolate and Hazel nut. I did say I was going to tell the one about a piece of string but it was too long. ( sorry Peetee)

Thanks guys you never know where your wise cracks will end up but it certainly helped to lift the moment for us.

Malc
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Cowsham
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Cowsham » 21 Sep 2020, 7:23pm

My therapist died last week but he was so good I didn't give a **** !

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kylecycler
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby kylecycler » 22 Sep 2020, 1:09am

Oldjohnw wrote:I heard today that permanent personal track and trace app was being set up for Boris Johnson.


He needs a tag, definitely.

There was a thread on the Digital Spy forums about what puts you off about a member of the opposite sex. For me it's ankle bracelets. Don't know why - wrist bracelets I'm ok with, actually quite like charm bracelets, not at all a fan of tattoos, but for some reason ankle bracelets put me right off.

Anyway, I posted that and some wag came back with "Especially if you go to pick her up for a date and it beeps when she comes out the door." :)

Oldjohnw
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Oldjohnw » 22 Sep 2020, 3:36am

kylecycler wrote:
Oldjohnw wrote:I heard today that permanent personal track and trace app was being set up for Boris Johnson.


He needs a tag, definitely.

There was a thread on the Digital Spy forums about what puts you off about a member of the opposite sex. For me it's ankle bracelets. Don't know why - wrist bracelets I'm ok with, actually quite like charm bracelets, not at all a fan of tattoos, but for some reason ankle bracelets put me right off.

Anyway, I posted that and some wag came back with "Especially if you go to pick her up for a date and it beeps when she comes out the door." :)


The UK's main tag fitting company, G4S, is also a main operator of Covid tests and tracking/tracing. G4S had s £multi million fine for fraud fitting tags to on existing prisoners and several senior managers are right now in court.
John

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cycleruk
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby cycleruk » 22 Sep 2020, 6:55pm

A little nervous, but yesterday I volunteered for the COVID-19 vaccine trials. The vaccine is one that was created in Russia. I received my first shot this morning at 7:00am, and I wanted to let you all know that it’s completely safe, with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно и я думаю, что вытащил ослиные уши.
You'll never know if you don't try it.

pete75
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby pete75 » 22 Sep 2020, 7:18pm

Oldjohnw wrote:
kylecycler wrote:
Oldjohnw wrote:I heard today that permanent personal track and trace app was being set up for Boris Johnson.


He needs a tag, definitely.

There was a thread on the Digital Spy forums about what puts you off about a member of the opposite sex. For me it's ankle bracelets. Don't know why - wrist bracelets I'm ok with, actually quite like charm bracelets, not at all a fan of tattoos, but for some reason ankle bracelets put me right off.

Anyway, I posted that and some wag came back with "Especially if you go to pick her up for a date and it beeps when she comes out the door." :)


The UK's main tag fitting company, G4S, is also a main operator of Covid tests and tracking/tracing. G4S had s £multi million fine for fraud fitting tags to on existing prisoners and several senior managers are right now in court.


Don't just pick on G4S. Serco did the same and are also heavily involved in "Test and Trace" you got shares in them or summat?

DaveReading
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby DaveReading » 22 Sep 2020, 7:41pm

pete75 wrote:Don't just pick on G4S. Serco did the same and are also heavily involved in "Test and Trace" you got shares in them or summat?

Quite so. I doubt you could get a cigarette paper between those two companies, in terms of corporate values and social responsibility.

Oldjohnw
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Oldjohnw » 22 Sep 2020, 8:55pm

Serco is just the same. But I only mentioned G4S because it's G4S whose former directors are in court. I reported both to ministers some 15 years ago for falsifying prison transport figures and they were audited back then. Nothing has changed.
John

pete75
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby pete75 » 22 Sep 2020, 10:45pm

Oldjohnw wrote:Serco is just the same. But I only mentioned G4S because it's G4S whose former directors are in court. I reported both to ministers some 15 years ago for falsifying prison transport figures and they were audited back then. Nothing has changed.


Oh yes it has. Serco is now run by Winston Churchill's grandson giving the firm big kudos in Tory party eyes. It's probably what helped them get a new 10 year contract for prisoner transport starting in August this year. It'll bring them in the best part of a billion quid.

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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby mercalia » 23 Sep 2020, 1:39am

cycleruk wrote:A little nervous, but yesterday I volunteered for the COVID-19 vaccine trials. The vaccine is one that was created in Russia. I received my first shot this morning at 7:00am, and I wanted to let you all know that it’s completely safe, with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно и я думаю, что вытащил ослиные уши.


i bet they insert a different type of bug to the one you expect

Oldjohnw
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Oldjohnw » 23 Sep 2020, 5:48am

pete75 wrote:
Oldjohnw wrote:Serco is just the same. But I only mentioned G4S because it's G4S whose former directors are in court. I reported both to ministers some 15 years ago for falsifying prison transport figures and they were audited back then. Nothing has changed.


Oh yes it has. Serco is now run by Winston Churchill's grandson giving the firm big kudos in Tory party eyes. It's probably what helped them get a new 10 year contract for prisoner transport starting in August this year. It'll bring them in the best part of a billion quid.


When I say nothing hasad changed I mean it was corrupt then and now, with massive government contracts and limited oversight.
John

pete75
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby pete75 » 23 Sep 2020, 8:45am

Oldjohnw wrote:
pete75 wrote:
Oldjohnw wrote:Serco is just the same. But I only mentioned G4S because it's G4S whose former directors are in court. I reported both to ministers some 15 years ago for falsifying prison transport figures and they were audited back then. Nothing has changed.


Oh yes it has. Serco is now run by Winston Churchill's grandson giving the firm big kudos in Tory party eyes. It's probably what helped them get a new 10 year contract for prisoner transport starting in August this year. It'll bring them in the best part of a billion quid.


When I say nothing hasad changed I mean it was corrupt then and now, with massive government contracts and limited oversight.


They did make an attempt to change "culture and values" in the company though of course it may have been window dressing. Everybody above a certain level had to go on a one day course covering business ethics and the like. At the one I attended a chap turned up at quart to 11 instead of the 10 start time. In one of those things you couldn't make up up he said he ran the prison transport contract. He didn't laugh when I said "I bet you'll sign yourself in at 10 then"

Oldjohnw
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Oldjohnw » 23 Sep 2020, 8:58am

pete75 wrote:
Oldjohnw wrote:
pete75 wrote:
Oh yes it has. Serco is now run by Winston Churchill's grandson giving the firm big kudos in Tory party eyes. It's probably what helped them get a new 10 year contract for prisoner transport starting in August this year. It'll bring them in the best part of a billion quid.


When I say nothing hasad changed I mean it was corrupt then and now, with massive government contracts and limited oversight.


They did make an attempt to change "culture and values" in the company though of course it may have been window dressing. Everybody above a certain level had to go on a one day course covering business ethics and the like. At the one I attended a chap turned up at quart to 11 instead of the 10 start time. In one of those things you couldn't make up up he said he ran the prison transport contract. He didn't laugh when I said "I bet you'll sign yourself in at 10 then"


You obv know them well!
John

pete75
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby pete75 » 23 Sep 2020, 9:32am

Oldjohnw wrote:
pete75 wrote:
Oldjohnw wrote:
When I say nothing hasad changed I mean it was corrupt then and now, with massive government contracts and limited oversight.


They did make an attempt to change "culture and values" in the company though of course it may have been window dressing. Everybody above a certain level had to go on a one day course covering business ethics and the like. At the one I attended a chap turned up at quart to 11 instead of the 10 start time. In one of those things you couldn't make up up he said he ran the prison transport contract. He didn't laugh when I said "I bet you'll sign yourself in at 10 then"


You obv know them well!


Oh yes. I can think of some good things about them for example they honoured our TUPE transfer terms and conditions to the letter making no attempt to change them and some of the staff were decent and honourable people who tried to provide a good service to the customer. Most of these had been TUPE transferred to the company.

Oldjohnw
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Oldjohnw » 23 Sep 2020, 9:39am

In the dealings I had with both G4S and Serco they were entirely dishonourable. Certainly, it was in a limited way and in specific projects but I maintained on he basis and extent of their wrongdoing - acknowledged in tue courts - they should never be let near another outsourcing contract again.

Not that anyone took any notice. The excellent David Hansen MP, then Prisons Minister, was very attentive but he didn't last long enough.

Sorry to have moved off the thread. Will desist.
Last edited by Oldjohnw on 23 Sep 2020, 2:01pm, edited 1 time in total.
John