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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 23 Sep 2020, 10:25am
by merseymouth
Oi Guys! Can we get back to the jokes and leave the politics in the proper thread? A case of you're not having a laugh! MM

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 23 Sep 2020, 12:47pm
by sjs
Oldjohnw wrote: ...the EU should never be let near another outsourcing contract again.



A typo? You're likely to get unexpected people agreeing with you!

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 23 Sep 2020, 1:39pm
by Audax67
@MM obviously not.

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 23 Sep 2020, 2:00pm
by Oldjohnw
sjs wrote:
Oldjohnw wrote: ...the EU should never be let near another outsourcing contract again.



A typo? You're likely to get unexpected people agreeing with you!


It is a funnies thread. I must proof read more!

Read it as ".. they should..."

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 23 Sep 2020, 2:17pm
by Debs
cycleruk wrote:A little nervous, but yesterday I volunteered for the COVID-19 vaccine trials. The vaccine is one that was created in Russia. I received my first shot this morning at 7:00am, and I wanted to let you all know that it’s completely safe, with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно и я думаю, что вытащил ослиные уши.


Гениально! :lol:
Спасибо товарищ!

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 24 Sep 2020, 1:28pm
by Cowsham
Free urine test

Go to a tree trunk and pee on it.
If it attracts a lot of ants you have high glucose.
If it dries too fast, you have high sodium.
If it smells like meat, you have high cholesterol.
If you got to the tree and forgot to open your pants to pee, Alzheimer’s.
Had trouble aiming at the tree? Parkinsons.
If you pee on your feet, Prostate.
If it was painful coming out, Gonococus, no question.
If however, you couldn’t smell the pee? You have COVID-19.

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 24 Sep 2020, 3:22pm
by mercalia
Cowsham wrote:Free urine test

Go to a tree trunk and pee on it.
If it attracts a lot of ants you have high glucose.
If it dries too fast, you have high sodium.
If it smells like meat, you have high cholesterol.
If you got to the tree and forgot to open your pants to pee, Alzheimer’s.
Had trouble aiming at the tree? Parkinsons.
If you pee on your feet, Prostate.
If it was painful coming out, Gonococus, no question.
If however, you couldn’t smell the pee? You have COVID-19.


you need make a flow chart for the computer literate here

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 24 Sep 2020, 9:29pm
by Cowsham
mercalia wrote:
Cowsham wrote:Free urine test

Go to a tree trunk and pee on it.
If it attracts a lot of ants you have high glucose.
If it dries too fast, you have high sodium.
If it smells like meat, you have high cholesterol.
If you got to the tree and forgot to open your pants to pee, Alzheimer’s.
Had trouble aiming at the tree? Parkinsons.
If you pee on your feet, Prostate.
If it was painful coming out, Gonococus, no question.
If however, you couldn’t smell the pee? You have COVID-19.


you need make a flow chart for the computer literate here


It would only give rise to a Phalicy

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 25 Sep 2020, 12:44pm
by Cyril Haearn
Too many puns on here, trying to get back on course with a joke :wink:
..
Saw someone sitting outwith a tavern, he was looking sorry for himself

'Alright mate? You got no money? May I buy you a drink?' quoth I

'Money I have, but sadly no thirst at the minute!', he bleated

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 25 Sep 2020, 6:23pm
by kylecycler
Cyril Haearn wrote:Too many puns on here, trying to get back on course with a joke :wink:
..
Saw someone sitting outwith a tavern, he was looking sorry for himself

'Alright mate? You got no money? May I buy you a drink?' quoth I

'Money I have, but sadly no thirst at the minute!', he bleated

That's a bit like, "I haven't lost it, I just can't find it," which always makes me laugh. :)

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 25 Sep 2020, 6:30pm
by mercalia
Capture.JPG
Capture.JPG (31.5 KiB) Viewed 127 times

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 25 Sep 2020, 6:36pm
by kylecycler
mercalia wrote:Image

Real black humour there.

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 25 Sep 2020, 7:06pm
by Cyril Haearn
kylecycler wrote:
Cyril Haearn wrote:Too many puns on here, trying to get back on course with a joke :wink:
..
Saw someone sitting outwith a tavern, he was looking sorry for himself

'Alright mate? You got no money? May I buy you a drink?' quoth I

'Money I have, but sadly no thirst at the minute!', he bleated

That's a bit like, "I haven't lost it, I just can't find it," which always makes me laugh. :)

'I was not really naked, I just didnae have any clothes on', chortled a famous actress

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 25 Sep 2020, 7:09pm
by Jdsk
It was “I wasn't really naked. I simply didn't have any clothes on.”

Josephine Baker wasn't known for speaking Scots.

Jonathan

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Posted: 25 Sep 2020, 7:13pm
by Cyril Haearn
Jdsk wrote:It was “I wasn't....
..

Leave me alone please