Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

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661-Pete
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 12 Feb 2020, 5:26pm

mercalia wrote:Old man of 101 been here since 1966 wants to get confirmation he can stay after Brexit. Home Office replies - Please get your parents to confirm your age :roll: :roll: :roll: :lol: :shock:

http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2020/feb/12/home-office-tells-man-101-his-parents-must-confirm-id
Apparently they mistook his age for 1 year rather than 101. Our next-door neighbour has just turned 104 (yes - really!). We're wondering when she'll get the letter offering her a place in Primary School.
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity.
Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments...
--- Arthur Eddington (creator of the Eddington Number).

Debs
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Debs » 12 Feb 2020, 10:12pm

661-Pete wrote: ...Our next-door neighbour has just turned 104 (yes - really!).
We're wondering when she'll get the letter offering her a place in Primary School.


Did she get a telegram from the Queen 4 years ago on her 100th? (...or has one given up the chore of sending them these days? )

I've worked out that our Queen will be 138 year old when she sends me my telegram :)

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661-Pete
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 12 Feb 2020, 11:00pm

Debs wrote:Did she get a telegram from the Queen 4 years ago on her 100th? (...or has one given up the chore of sending them these days? )

I've worked out that our Queen will be 138 year old when she sends me my telegram :)
Yes - but it's not a telegram any more, it's just a birthday card - sent by special delivery though, with instructions that it must be delivered on the special day itself. Our neighbour showed it to us, along with the envelope. It has a picture of Her Maj on the front, and a message inside.

Since there are over 13,000 centenarians in the UK at present, Her Maj obviously doesn't have time to deal with all this oneself. There's a special Govt. office that handles the messages. But they'll only send one if you (or one of your relatives) apply for it.

Q. On what day (within the past 20 years) were no '100th' cards sent out? I make it 29 February 2000 - because since 1900 wasn't a leap year, there was no "29 Feb 1900". Perhaps the office who deal with them were given a day off on that day?!

If I make it to the ton (unlikely), even King Charles III would be over 100 when he sends me his. Would probably have to be King William V - or King George VII. All rather speculative... :?

Or is there any chance it could be King Harry IX? Given current circumstances, even less likely than my making it to 100...
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity.
Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments...
--- Arthur Eddington (creator of the Eddington Number).

mercalia
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby mercalia » 14 Feb 2020, 6:37pm

from the Spectator

Screenshot2020-02-14at16.39.43.163951.png

‘Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m sure you won’t mind, if I don’t kiss you…

Mike Sales
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Mike Sales » 14 Feb 2020, 6:47pm

I thought my feet must have fallen off. Then I realised I was wearing my black socks.

peetee
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby peetee » 15 Feb 2020, 9:03am

I have decided to take a job as a mirror polisher.
I might take a shine to it or see things the other way but will have plenty of opportunity to reflect on my choice.
Current status report:
Back on two wheels in deepest Pastyland and loving every minute. Mission: to enjoy big, bad hills again.

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661-Pete
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 15 Feb 2020, 1:21pm

peetee wrote:I have decided to take a job as a mirror polisher.
I might take a shine to it or see things the other way but will have plenty of opportunity to reflect on my choice.
Just so long as you don't break your contract - else you'll be out of work for seven years.
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity.
Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments...
--- Arthur Eddington (creator of the Eddington Number).

Debs
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Debs » 15 Feb 2020, 1:30pm

Post-Brexit innovative idea succeeds in selling by the thousand! :D

Image

A spokesperson said this brilliant idea has been in the pipe-line too long,
and now Brexit is Dung we can really clean up the pre-Brexit flush blockage! :lol:

peetee
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby peetee » 15 Feb 2020, 2:29pm

Debs wrote:Post-Brexit innovative idea succeeds in selling by the thousand! :D

Image

A spokesperson said this brilliant idea has been in the pipe-line too long,
and now Brexit is Dung we can really clean up the pre-Brexit flush blockage! :lol:


Ha ha.
And you can get stuff for all his odorous speeches too:
64601426-1246-4345-9DB5-0C04D7C88CEB.png
64601426-1246-4345-9DB5-0C04D7C88CEB.png (120.87 KiB) Viewed 442 times
Current status report:
Back on two wheels in deepest Pastyland and loving every minute. Mission: to enjoy big, bad hills again.

Debs
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Debs » 15 Feb 2020, 3:33pm

peetee wrote:I have decided to take a job as a mirror polisher.
I might take a shine to it or see things the other way but will have plenty of opportunity to reflect on my choice.


I too became a mirror polisher,

it was the only job i could see myself doing :D

mercalia
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby mercalia » 19 Feb 2020, 1:23pm

Ebay

Cargo Ship for sale
Paypal only. Buyer Collects

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/in-pictures-51558440

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661-Pete
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby 661-Pete » 19 Feb 2020, 2:06pm

Reminds me of the Athina B, which ran aground in a storm on Brighton beach in 1980. Became a major tourist attraction, staying put for some weeks, until the next spring tide when it was re-floated. I was living in Brighton back then, and I remember hurrying down to the beach to take photos. Alas! on the day of the re-floating, a dense sea fret had descended on the sea front, and I couldn't see a thing of the operation.

The ship was loaded with pumice, much of which spilled out onto the beach and into the water (pumice floats). I suppose, if I'd taken enough sacks, I could have collected loads of the stuff and made a killing selling it on... But there was no Ebay - indeed no internet - in those days...
Suppose that this room is a lift. The support breaks and down we go with ever-increasing velocity.
Let us pass the time by performing physical experiments...
--- Arthur Eddington (creator of the Eddington Number).

Cyril Haearn
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Cyril Haearn » 19 Feb 2020, 2:52pm

I rang the vet to make an appointment for my unicorn
'I think a psychiatrist is what you need', she snorted
Uni is smart but she cannae talk, not sure how a psychiatrist could help with her digestive troubles :wink:
Nice one Cyrille, nice one son..
Cycling-of course, but it is far better on 49" fixed
We love safety cameras, we love life "1330"

Debs
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Debs » 20 Feb 2020, 8:18pm

‘To be is to do’ - Socrates

‘To do is to be’ - Sartre

‘Do be do be do’ - Sinatra

Cyril Haearn
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Postby Cyril Haearn » 22 Feb 2020, 1:10pm

'I used my fee from the last gig to buy some socks', said a jazz musician to his chum

'Whatabout the rest of the money, what did you do with that?'

'There was no rest, I only just earned enough to pay for the socks :?
Nice one Cyrille, nice one son..
Cycling-of course, but it is far better on 49" fixed
We love safety cameras, we love life "1330"