Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

[Debs]

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or he possibly have been just a very hairy guy.

Either way, the silver bullets worked.

[RickH]

The Platypus lays eggs and produces milk, so is one of the few animals that can make custard!

[Oldjohnw]

Boris Johnson sings 'Happy Birthday' as he washes every morning in case it's one of his children's birthdays.

[cycleruk]

A pair of pirates, and their best mate had just died. They wanted to give him a burial at sea. So the pair set out in row boat with the body. They had rowed out 50 feet, and one got out and the water just came up to his knees. "No that's no deep enough" Paddy, we'll have to go a bit further!". Another fifty feet out, and this time the water came up to to his neck... "Still not deep enough Paddy". So they rowed out another 50 feet, he jumped out and went completely underwater. After a few minutes he resurfaced coughing and spluttering! and said to Paddy, "Okay! that's far enough! Now pass me the shovel!"'.

[mercalia]

visit central London, free sample included in the price

[Debs]

I don’t believe in reincarnation.

What would be the point of coming back as a tin of milk?

[Cowsham]

My therapist died last week but he was so good I don't give a damn.

[Audax67]

A pair of pirates, and their best mate had just died. They wanted to give him a burial at sea. So the pair set out in row boat with the body. They had rowed out 50 feet, and one got out and the water just came up to his knees. "No that's no deep enough" Paddy, we'll have to go a bit further!". Another fifty feet out, and this time the water came up to to his neck... "Still not deep enough Paddy". So they rowed out another 50 feet, he jumped out and went completely underwater. After a few minutes he resurfaced coughing and spluttering! and said to Paddy, "Okay! that's far enough! Now pass me the shovel!"'.

Rubbish. Pirates are from the West Country, as any fule no. Now be off or I'll set my parrot on you.

[Debs]

A pirate goes to the doctor.

"Ahoy there, Doctor, aaarrrr, I'm worried about the moles I have on my back."

the doctor has a look and says, "Don't worry, they're benign."

The pirate replies "Count again doctor, there be ten!"

[661-Pete]

For some unexplained reason, the following definitions have been left out of the latest revision of the Oxford English Dictionary:
(A-D only: the list is too long to post in one go)

Abacus: Swedish swear word.
Abscond: To steal someone’s cream tea.
Acolyte: Easy listening clarinet music:
Antelope: to run off with your mother’s sister.
Après-ski: Plaster of Paris
Artefact: A pretentious statistic.
Artery: Shooting arrows at paintings.
Assassination: An arrangement to meet a donkey.
Avant-garde: Next to last coach on a train.

Balderdash: What you do when your wig has blown off.
Baloney: Disappointing skirt length fashion.
Banshee: A gentleman’s club.
Baptist: A junior hamburger chef.
Beatitude: Pose adopted by an insect prior to pollination.
Bidet: Two days before D-Day.
Bona fide: Good dog.
Boutique: A startling kind of hardwood.
Brouhaha: Funny tasting beer.

Capsize: Usually about 7¼”.
Carpentry: A way in for ornamental fish.
Castigate: To have a nasty accident climbing into a field.
Catalyst: A three legged moggy.
Celibate: A virgin fish.
Chateaubriand: Steak grilled over embers of burnt French castle.
Claustrophobia: Fear of Father Christmas.
Cock-a-leekie: Prostate problem.
Cocoa bean: An ex-clown.
Coffee: Someone covered in spit.
Coiffure: A pretentious drinker.
Collywobbles: A three legged sheepdog.
Colonnade: A fizzy enema.
Comatose: Foot’s gone dead.
Combat: An aggressive marsupial.
Copulate: The time it takes the police to turn up in an emergency.
Coq au vin: French mobile gigolo service.
Counterpane: Someone who works in a post office.
Crèche: A car accident in Woking.
Culotte: Post office.
Curate: A doctor
Custard: To swear after stepping in something.

Defibrillate: To interpret the meaning of Jeffrey Archer.
Delectable: Ian Duncan Smith.
Dentist: A man who fixes your car.
Diarrhoea: An unattractive bottom.
Dictator: Humorously shaped root vegetable.
Dilate: Live long.
Dilatory: Conservative sex aid.
Diphthong: To wash an under garment.
Disappear: To insult a Lord.

[Cyril Haearn]

'One could hardly call that pile of rust a vehicle!', barked Constable Sargent after flagging down an old Ford Angular
'Indeed, you are right, that is why I dinnae have a driving licence', bleated the miserable individual at the wheel

[fullupandslowingdown]

Two weeks last Monday, I started as an apprentice builder at Bodgeitandscarper Builders Ltd. The foreperson is a very nice guy, he sent me out for a 5 gallon drum of elbow grease and 2 dozen skyhooks, saying "don't rush back until you got both things lad"

It took me until Friday lunchtime before finally I returned and triumphantly placed the items down on his desk.

"By eck lad, you've done right good, I'd never have believed it. Right, I think you're just the man for a very important task. On Monday we need you to go out and buy a dozen rolls of bog roll, and hurry straight back will yer"

It's now Saturday and I still haven't found even one, but I think the guys appreciate my efforts because I heard them banging on the toilet doors and shouting when I turn up, they'll have a lovely present for me.

[Debs]

[mercalia]

It's said that the richest 10% own 50% of all the wealth in the UK
and now it seems the dumbest 10% now own 50% of all the toilet paper.

Now the loo roll has all gone I'm panic buying copies of the Daily Mail - an almost purpose-built replacement.


Just been in Tesco . Saw a bloke whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitizers, baby wipes, soaps, everything that people need!!

I called him selfish gave him a low down about the elderly and mums etc who need these types of things. Told him he should be ashamed of himself!

He said: “that’s all good and well but I work here, can I carry on filling the shelves now?”


And on the third day god said "let there be bog rolls, but only 2 a person"


What did the bog roll say to the loo roll? dont look down on me

[gaz]

Finance news.

The pound has now fallen to an all time low against the toilet roll.