Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

[peetee]

“Mum, I’ve found some, but it’s all used”

[661-Pete]

Definitions which have been left out of the OED (continued).

By popular request, here is the rest of the alphabet.

Egret: An apology sent by computer.
Extemporary: Permanent.

Fecund: The one before fird.
Fiasco: Unsuccessful wall painting.
Flatulence: An emergency vehicle that picks you up after you have been run over by a steamroller.
Fondue: An affectionate sheep.
Fragrant Sweet smelling tramp.
Frigate: A ship nobody cares about.

Geranium: The cry of the parachute regiment’s flower arranging display team.
Geriatric: Fine bowling spell by a German cricketer.
Gerrymander: Rigged vote in holiday camp allowing Germans to get all the deckchairs.
Granary: Old folks home.
Gripe: What Australians make wine from.
Guacamole: A Mexican visitor to Toad Hall.

Haemorrhage: A line of piles.
Haywain: Essex greeting.
Hedgerow: Hedgehog eggs.
Hiding: A bell you can’t reach.
Hither: A snake with a hare lip
Hobgoblin: Eating stoves
Hobnob: A cooking accident.
Hogmanay: Someone who may be considered to have too large a collection of a particular impressionist painter.
Homophobe: Someone who doesn’t like The Simpsons.
Hors d'oeuvre: Women who hang around diesel pumps.
Hosepipe: A dance by sailors wearing socks.
Hullabaloo: How to greet a bear.
Humpty Dumpty: One who has humped and dumped.
Hydraulics: To conceal the things you rest your oars in.

Impermeable: Hair that is impossible to style.
Implication: An ointment for little Goblins.
Inclement: A Freudian slip.
Increment: The opposite of excrement.
Indelible: Someone who cannot be persuaded to eat bagels.
Indict: The Queen is unsure about something.
Intercontinental: One who has wet themselves all over the world.

Knighthood: Contraceptive.

Lactose: The effect of frostbite.
Laminated: Pregnant sheep.
Lampoon: A device for whaling at night.
Liability: Jeffrey Archer’s greatest asset.
Libel: Australian price tag.
Lip-sync: A ladies intimate wash basin.
Loggerheads: People who are addicted to sniffing lumberjacks.
Loophole: A very long lavatory brush.
Lymph: To walk with a lisp.

Macadam: The first ever Scotsman.
Magnum opus: A big Irish cat.
Mastiff: A row during a church service.
Merciful: Liverpool’s flooded.
Merseyside: The killing of Scousers.
Miniscule: A toddler’s play group in Liverpool.
Morass: Request from a director of a strip show.
Mosquito: A tiny place of Muslim worship.
Mutate: An art gallery for cats.

Napkin: One of the tiny sleep nymphs.
Negligent: Man who wears lingerie.
Nonchalant: To arrive at Butlins without prior booking.

Onion bhaji: French canal boat.
Osmosis: An early Australian prophet.
Oxymoron: Stupid cow.

Pandemonium: A black and white musical instrument.
Parsnip: Father’s vasectomy.
Physique: A Perrier enema.
Piano: A musical shipping line.
Picador: Find your own way out
Pile driver: Suppository.
Pistachio: To draw a moustache on a poster whilst under the influence of drink.
Piston: Humiliated.
Plebiscite: Web page for common people.
Polyunsaturated: A dry parrot.
Poppycock: A streaker on November 11th.
Portly: Shaped like a harbour.
Posthumous: The act of delivering Greek food by mail.
Propaganda: a post for a one legged male goose.
Propane: People who are into S&M.
Psychiatric: Guessing right three times in a row.

Quince: Not quite a coincidence.

Raffia: A craft fair organised by a crime syndicate.
Rancour: Japanese term of abuse.
Rapscallion: A funky spring onion.
Rebut: Having your bottom lifted.
Rectitude: The angle at which a thermometer should be inserted.

Saxophone: Hot line to a salt supplier.
Scarf: To eat in Knightsbridge.
Scoobydoo: A responsible dog owner.
Serendipity: Maintaining a very calm expression whilst pilfering from the till.
Shambolical: Padded ‘Y’ fronts.
Shellfish: A bit like a shelf.
Shingle: Sean Connery’s definition of a bachelor.
Snuffbox: Coffin.
Spectacular: A short-sighted vampire.
Splint: To run very fast with a broken leg.
Stalactite: Pissed prisoners of war
Stucco: Hitherto unknown Marx Brother.
Stylist: A pig directory
Suffragette: A package holiday flight.
Supersede: Clark Kent’s sperm sample.
Sweet Trolley: An abundance of delightful trolls
Sycamore: Not as well as I used to be.
Sycophant: Unwell pachyderm.

Tadpole: A quarter Polish.
Tagliatelle: The Italian state television.
Tantamount: To ride a French aunt.
Tapioca: A disappointing dance routine.
Tarmac: Scottish gratitude.
Telepathy: Can’t be bothered to turn over the TV.
Thermidor: A Spanish lobster fighter.
Titillate: Delayed puberty.
Tomahawk: A vegetable of prey.
Trampoline: Cleaning fluid for tramps.
Trigonometry: A cowboys method for locating his horse.
Trolley: An abundance of Trolls.
Turpentine: A Geordie highwayman.

Unction: No effing use.
Undertaker: A half-hearted shoplifter.
Urdu: Liverpool coiffure.

Varnish: To disappear in Mayfair.

Wallaby: Someone aspiring to be a kangaroo.
Wench: A spanner belonging to Jonathan Ross.
Widdecombe: A brush to make your hair look like a wig.
Willy-nilly: A cycling accident.
Wisteria: Laughing ‘til you wet yourself.

Years: When the Queen is sure about something.

[Paulatic]

[Oldjohnw]

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[kwackers]

I was walking along the canals yesterday when I heard cries for help.
I looked over and there's Boris, splashing around and shouting "help, I can't swim".
Well I have to admit I'm no fan of Boris but I couldn't just let a man drown.
So I've contacted emergency services but it's been over six hours and there's still no sign.
I think I might have wasted a stamp.

[kwackers]

[RickH]

Greggs have closed their shops due to the current circumstances.

They are reported to be looking into plans to start deliveries by drone but experts have said their plans are just pie in the sky.

[kwackers]

[youtube]wnd1jKcfBRE[/youtube]

[Debs]

Under current guidelines nobody should cough within 2 metres of you.

If they do then it is to be recorded as a ‘near cough’ and you should immediately instruct them to 'far cough.’…

[661-Pete]

This may be a joke but it's based on a serious article:

NASA Data Shows Something Leaking Out of Uranus

I suppose it all depends on how you pronounce* it! So is that why there's been such a run on loo rolls?

*Believe it or not, I remember Patrick Moore, in his early days, used to pronounce the planet's name like - well, you know.... Presumably somebody at the Beeb explained things to him.....

[Tinpotflowers]

Not a joke as such but IMHO an amusing thought.


Given the current situation in the central London with high degree of coronavirus (COVID-19) transmission I was wondering about the welfare of the participant both the giver and receiver of the world’s oldest profession.

With that in mind and for the need of social distancing and groups of not more two persons I wonder how these participants could carry out this activity?

I had visions of both parties wearing specially adaptive biohazard suit https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/264620552322?var=0 with double protection in the business regions.

[kwackers]

[Debs]

Reports emerging from Russia suggest there have been 2 deaths there so far related to the Corona Virus outbreak:

One was an 80-year-old man with underlying problems and the other was the journalist who reported it.

[Debs]

I read a lovely story about ethically-sourced coffee to my kids last night.

It had a fair retail ending.

[Cowsham]

I read a lovely story about ethically-sourced coffee to my kids last night.

It had a fair retail ending.

I hope Jack kept his social distance from the giant -- Jack can't cut it down this time but at least the giant will have to wait 3 days before climbing down to give chase.