Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

[661-Pete]

I used to love and hate the 'Little Willie' ones at the same time:

In the cistern, little Willie,
Drowned his little sister Lily.
Father couldn't find his daughter,
Now we sterilise our water.

Little Willie with a shout,
Gouged the baby's eyeballs out.
Stamped on them to make them 'pop',
Mother said "Now William, stop!"

Willie built a guillotine,
Tried it on his sister Jean.
Said Mother, as she fetched a mop,
"These messy games have got to stop!"

[jezer]

Mrs jezer made me a cup of coffee. It was discusting, I said "this coffee tastes like mud". She replied "it would do, it was ground this morning".

[ferrit worrier]

Oh I do feel sorry for my uncle Jim
for some one has thrown a tomato at him
Tomatoes don't hurt I said with a grin.
This one sure did, it came in a tin.

[al_yrpal]

Ed Miliband walks into a bank to cash a cheque. “Good morning”, says Ed, “could you please cash this cheque for me?”
Cashier: “It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?”

Miliband: “Truthfully… I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. But hang on! I’m Ed Miliband, Leader of the Opposition and of the Labour Party!!!”
Cashier: ““Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers etc, I must insist on seeing some identification”.

Miliband: “Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!”
Cashier: “I’m sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them”.

Miliband: “I am urging you please, to cash this cheque for me”.
Cashier: “Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small cup. With that sort of skill we knew it was Colin Montgomery and we cashed his cheque. On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray.


Ed Miliband stood there thinking and thinking and then finally says, “To be honest, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing that I’m any good at.”
Cashier: “Will it be large or small notes you require Mr Miliband?

[al_yrpal]

What not to do with a firework!
http://www.bu2z.com/v/petard-dans-bouse-de-vache

[661-Pete]

What not to do with a firework!
http://www.bu2z.com/v/petard-dans-bouse-de-vache

There's worse:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqXPwWbaCHs
WARNING: contains strong language. And not for the squeamish!

[JohnW]

A cyclist had to stop cycling one year from New-year to Easter, and he put on significant weight in the interim................and significant inches on the outer-rim.

[sjs]

Man says to his mate "My wife's in hospital in Malaysia".
"Kuala Lumpur?"
"No, she fell off her bike."

[al_yrpal]

"WELCOME, ladies and gentlemen to the first all-party and all-embracing pre-election television debate.

I'm Jonathan Dimbleby and first let me introduce all the panellists here tonight representing the Conservative Party, Labour, Lib-Dems, Greens, Plaid Cymru, SNP, DUP, OUP, POP, TCP, PLOP, LOL, Monster Raving Loonies, Popular Front for the Liberation of Wessex, Friends of the Badger, Druids for Clean Air" (45 minutes passes as Mr Dimbleby introduces all the politicians) "and, finally of course, the People's Front of Judea.

Unfortunately, that's all we have time for. Goodnight".

[Spinners]

What religion is Shaun the Sheep?

Islam.

[al_yrpal]

My dyslexia has just hit a new owl…


And…
http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2014/04/21/sup ... ubversion/

[[XAP]Bob]

Dyslexics of the world untie

[Stradageek]

What not to do with a firework!
http://www.bu2z.com/v/petard-dans-bouse-de-vache

We used to do this when I was 9 years old and even we knew not to stand that close!!!

[661-Pete]

[This oldie - brought to mind by a recent discussion about bathroom scales in the Health section]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart . Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits..

10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob begins wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

After considerably longer than ten seconds, the computer finally prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

[nosmo king]

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day