Sudden Bereavement...................

[francovendee]

I can't possibly imagine how you're feeling. Even trying to think of how I'd feel isn't the same as actually experiencing your loss.
Nothing any of your friends can say on here will change the situation but don't heap blame on your shoulders.
I was told that when someone gets to feel this way then it can be almost impossible to watch them 24/24.

My chum lost his wife through cancer. He knew it was coming but her death still hit him hard. His way to get through it was to keep extremely busy.
He did everything that he and his wife used to do together, he called it laying ghosts and it wasn't easy for him or for their friends but 4 years on he's come to terms with his loss. I'm sure he misses her every day but he's making a life without her.
Take each day as it comes but make sure you look after yourself.

[Tangled Metal]

I've not said anything earlier because I had nothing helpful to say. There's more knowledgeable and experienced people to offer you help. And my condolences are insufficient but offered all the same.

The only thing I thought of saying is grief can be a strange thing. I've only really felt it strongly once. It didn't happen on hearing of a death of a close relative but two weeks later in a flood of emotions I've never had before or after. The trigger was a little thing but it opened up what I hadn't realised I'd been holding back. Things felt a little better after that. The healing of a good breakdown of the control over my emotions, I didn't let it out, the flood broke the banks. But it helped me with what I needed.

I hope you find the healing that you need NA.

PS I doubt I'll say more on this thread because I don't think i can help. I know others in here will be able to help.

[Tiggertoo]

Attempts to find the right words can often be totally inadequate.

I'm reminded of scenes from Murder in Paradise where a character has suffered a bereavement and others try to say the right thing with little positive effect and then the commissioner comes along and places his hand on the others' shoulder and simply looks into the eyes.

Comfort is needed by Natural Ankling and I hope he has someone who can do that for him.

[iandriver]

Plenty of work to do..............I only wish I had had done it when it mattered.

It's quite normal to feel that way at first, it's part of the way losing someone cons you into thinking you could or should have done more, you so don't want the loss to be true. In reality, none of us are god's, we are only human and can only do what we can. That has to be enough, it really does. She was seeing medical professionals, who are highly trained, so what chance do us ordinary people stand when when faced with such an adverse situation so outside our range of knowledge or experience. It doesn't sound like it was a cry for help, she really made up her mind and was quite secretive about it, probably knowing you would do anything to stop it

Be kind to yourself, that anger and guilt is normal at first. Wishing you much love and strength for the coming days. You are NOT to blame.

[Maillot Rouge]

I have no words.
Please take care of yourself.

[NATURAL ANKLING]

Hi,
Felt rottern a few hours ago, but just finished a rant email with my partners firm CEO.
I gave him my mobile and told him not to fret about my health.

I am waiting even now for My GP to contact me and will phone them in the morning.
Unfotuanately the counselling firm only work five day and office hours and I will phone them again in the morning.

Feeling a bit upbeat at the moment.

Thanks for all peoples comments it helps.

[djnotts]

There is nothing by way of practical advice that I can add to above, so just my deep sympathy. Seems you are doing what you can to seek what "help" there is, but in reality it's all down to you.
When my wife of 48 years died it was not unexpected and thus very different. The sheer amount of "stuff" to do kept me busy - it was when registering her death that it really hit me.
My recovery tactic was to get out of the house as soon as funeral over - got on a train with my Brompton and went and sat looking at the sea for week. Find your own escape.
My only advice is don't go with the "passed away" or, worse, "passed" phrasing - I would only accept "died", realism is best.
And you need medium and longer term
life plans.
Do not blame yourself, you could no more defeat mental illness in another than I could cancer.
Take care and find YOUR way through this very bad time.

[geocycle]

That’s a tragedy, so sorry to hear this news. I’ll not try to add advice as circumstances are unique and personal but the comment from @djnotts about not being able to defeat extreme mental health any more than cancer chimed with my experience. When it came to my family that’s the way I learned to view it.

[Mick F]

NA.

I'm so sorry.
I have much sympathy.

[cycle tramp]

I am so very sorry to hear your news.

[NATURAL ANKLING]

Hi,
I've simply got so much to do at the moment.
Police gave me a number of a local charity councillors for suicide and bereavement.............but its back to office hours 9-5 weekdays.
I've tried to get through the doctors for several days now, but they only work week days.
Monday is always busy and it took some 18 minutes to get on the queue of 20, and then a 40 minutes to get through to position one.
That was starting at 09:00, so it was eleven before I could speak to a receptionist.
I received a text to phone GP and then given a slot for Tuesday.
Monday a bereavement councillor phoned me at 13:00 for a session
I was also given a slot face to face for bereavement councillor Tuesday 13:15.
Doctors called Tuesday at 12:30 and I spoke for some ten minutes because I had an appointment at 13:15.


Bear in mind that this has been 4.5 days since the incident, I was called 5.5 days later by GP and Councillor...............................

Police came quickly.......followed by NHS, who each performed resuscitation, but by the time police had arrived I had stopped because it was obvious that it was too late...........................
I originally covered her body, she was then after pronounced dead left as was.........preserving the crime scene for recording.

It was 6 hours later before the coroner arrived to take her away, and was only covered again a hour or so before they arrive , a wait of one hour for them to come from 30 od miles away.
I was left next on my own with just a business card and a mobile of the sergeant who lived in the village.

There were four bobbies a sergeant and two crime scene investigators, two NHS staff, and inspector.....................
Then nothing. for 5.5 days. The next day I was still......................flawed.....................
Investigator came Monday with her phone and while there took a statement.

I had to rely on neighbours and one friend and messages over the net to her family but did meet two siblings, in that five days or so.
A very close friend way back called after hearing about it through family, he was emotionately and physically upset.

I have felt better on here and talking to family and friends.
Today at the councillors a story told a few times now and spent one hour plus talking while she listened.

The police have done there bit and kept me informed of processes etc.
Coroner was very straight forward.

I just need to organise funeral stuff which will be after autopsy and coroners interim death cert.
So next week of just after.

Been in communication with her family, (mother and dad house bound) and made contact with me but left as message an very upset, wanted to know I was alright.

A am coping a bit better now, I will go for cycle club meet on Wednesday, I need to keep going so I don’t give up.

Got to be a better system!

When I found my dad daed on the floor 48 years ago, it was an ambulance and a funeral director same evening.

[pwa]

Even when a death is "natural causes" and needs no investigation, getting the Death Certificate and having the funeral can take a few weeks, then all the probate stuff (if relevant) takes an age. The best thing is to expect it to take a long time, and just take it at the pace it comes.

[Bonefishblues]

Even when a death is "natural causes" and needs no investigation, getting the Death Certificate and having the funeral can take a few weeks, then all the probate stuff (if relevant) takes an age. The best thing is to expect it to take a long time, and just take it at the pace it comes.

This is good advice. There's so much that's much harder work than it ever needs to be, but little to nothing that an individual can do to influence it.

[NATURAL ANKLING]

Hi,
Coroners inquest will be next year so I am told.
But the interim death cert which will be a week or so (so the coroner says) will enable me to do some of the legal stuff.

[NATURAL ANKLING]

Hi,
AFAIK-
A digital copy in PDF form is as good as a an interim paper original death certificate (you can not hard copy from an original paper copy), I have be told such by The Coronors office.
But her employer HR jobs worth, insisted they they want a -

"Thank you for sending this through. Unfortunately we require an original copy, we are not able to accept a scan or photocopy.
Please can you tell me when you will be available to bring one in? I am onsite in Torquay next Tuesday and Thursday. "

It was not a scan (which would be a scan paper one)!
Its definately not a photo copy!

Its a digital PDF supplied by the coronors office, which I delivered via email attatchment.

How do these people hold a job down in HR.
This is the very same person that insisted in phoning me an hour after I had informed My partners employer (supervisor, I have no other contact details but who I have met a few times) Xxxx Xxxx is dead,
HR - "We have received a disturbing message to say that Xxxx Xxxx is dead", ten seconds earlier they asked to speak to my deceased partner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I always say, lucky that there's not a war on.

After a week, I am feeling a bit better, comming to terms with what it must of been like to take your own life.
Some one that does this is not of rational mind.

Her siblings and parents are too cut up, to want to remember her other than they remember her.

So I alone will scatter hers ashes as per her request with ashes of her four dogs, on dartmoor into running water, the last part is mine (see plenty of ashes on dartmoor scattered on the ground.
Being alone does not bother me that much, no words to mutter to others etc.