Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

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Debs
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Debs »

I put a marquee in my garden, with funky music, and flashing lights.
Now is the winter of my disco tent.
mattheus
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by mattheus »

Debs wrote: 25 Sep 2022, 12:05pm I put a marquee in my garden, with funky music, and flashing lights.
Now is the winter of my disco tent.
:)

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pliptrot
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by pliptrot »

Mick F wrote: 1 Jul 2022, 3:39pm What's the difference between a duck?
One of it's legs is both the same.
francovendee
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by francovendee »

I hope this is acceptable to the mods?

Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to California finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Geoffrey's. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Geoffrey and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

He leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Pounds?"
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Cowsham
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Cowsham »

francovendee wrote: 29 Sep 2022, 1:47pm I hope this is acceptable to the mods?

Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to California finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Geoffrey's. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Geoffrey and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

He leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Pounds?"
:shock: :lol:
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Audax67
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Audax67 »

pliptrot wrote: 28 Sep 2022, 2:59pm
Mick F wrote: 1 Jul 2022, 3:39pm What's the difference between a duck?
One of it's legs is both the same.
If we're on this kick*, why is a mouse if it spins?

* i.e. jokes my father heard from his grandfather
Have we got time for another cuppa?
Debs
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Debs »

I’ve just put a load of John Lennon memorabilia on eBay!

Imagine all the Paypal…
reohn2
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by reohn2 »

Jdsk wrote: 24 Mar 2022, 9:33am
mattheus wrote: 24 Mar 2022, 9:21amThe joke doesn't sound tooo nasty, but I don't "get it"; it ends in "... throw bread at the planes", oui? What is the implication being made by our French funster?
That the other lot are stupid. Yes, feeding the aircraft as if they were live birds.

The French (and other neighbours) use the Belgians, the English use the Irish, the Germans use the Polish etc etc. The nastiness is variable, but IMO it's usually there somewhere.

Jonathan
I believe the Canadians use the Newfoundlanders as their foil:-
With that in mind a goofie Newfie applies for a job as a lumberjack.The boss is short on labour and gives him the job,he explains that he'll be supplied with a chainsaw but there's a $100 deposit refundable if he can't make the grade explaining that the job pays $1000 a day if he cuts down 100 trees a day,anything less earns nothing anything more pays a $150 bonus per tree felled.
So day one off the goofie Newfie goes into the forest comes back in the boss's office at the end of the shift,the boss asks how many trees the goofie Newfie utterly knacked says 86 felled boss.The boss says nothing to pay it's like I told you $1000 for a 100 trees felled anything less no pay out.
Day two the goofie Newfie turns up early determined to make a wage.Off he goes into the forest,comes back as the light is fading,the boss asks how many trees felled?
The goofie Newfie gasps 94,the boss says nothing to pay,sorry.
Day three the goofie Newfie turns up for work before sunrise trudges off into the forest,comes back just after dark as the boss is about to lock up for the night and asks hopefully how trees felled today?
The goofie Newfie hardly able to stand he's so knackered says "98",the boss replies I'm sorry no pay.
At this point the goofie Newfie says,"that's it I can't make it pay as a lumberjack I''m finished here" the boss says "gimme the chainsaw back,I have to see if you've looked after it so I can refund your deposit",he then gives it a good pull on the rope and the chainsaw fires up first pull,the goofie Newfie jumps back and exclaims.What's all that noise it's making?
-----------------------------------------------------------
"All we are not stares back at what we are"
W H Auden
Ben@Forest
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Ben@Forest »

Jdsk wrote: 24 Mar 2022, 9:33am
mattheus wrote: 24 Mar 2022, 9:21amThe joke doesn't sound tooo nasty, but I don't "get it"; it ends in "... throw bread at the planes", oui? What is the implication being made by our French funster?
That the other lot are stupid. Yes, feeding the aircraft as if they were live birds.

The French (and other neighbours) use the Belgians, the English use the Irish, the Germans use the Polish etc etc. The nastiness is variable, but IMO it's usually there somewhere.
It's not just other nationalities it's within countries too. The Irish used to (still do?) tell jokes about those from Kerry, the Germans (still) tell jokes about Ostfriese (East Frisians). Both places have a significant rural economy, which is probably the reason why. And here there are certainly still the occasional jokes about Yorkshiremen.
mattheus
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by mattheus »

Ben@Forest wrote: 25 Oct 2022, 1:13pm
Jdsk wrote: 24 Mar 2022, 9:33am
mattheus wrote: 24 Mar 2022, 9:21amThe joke doesn't sound tooo nasty, but I don't "get it"; it ends in "... throw bread at the planes", oui? What is the implication being made by our French funster?
That the other lot are stupid. Yes, feeding the aircraft as if they were live birds.

The French (and other neighbours) use the Belgians, the English use the Irish, the Germans use the Polish etc etc. The nastiness is variable, but IMO it's usually there somewhere.
It's not just other nationalities it's within countries too. The Irish used to (still do?) tell jokes about those from Kerry, the Germans (still) tell jokes about Ostfriese (East Frisians). Both places have a significant rural economy, which is probably the reason why. And here there are certainly still the occasional jokes about Yorkshiremen.
There was a big section in one of Bill Brysons books about this - or perhaps more about "little brother" status of many states/regions.
I read it many years ago, it certainly gave a useful view on human nature.
pete75
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by pete75 »

I put a marquee in my garden, with funky music and flashing lights.
Now is the winter of my disco tent.
'Give me my bike, a bit of sunshine - and a stop-off for a lunchtime pint - and I'm a happy man.' - Reg Baker
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Cowsham
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Cowsham »

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieves at the Post Office !
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sjs
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by sjs »

mattheus wrote: 26 Sep 2022, 8:35am
Debs wrote: 25 Sep 2022, 12:05pm I put a marquee in my garden, with funky music, and flashing lights.
Now is the winter of my disco tent.
:)

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It's a +1 from me too.
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Cugel
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Cugel »

Cowsham wrote: 4 Nov 2022, 7:16pm There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieves at the Post Office !
:-)

No good deed goes unpunished.

Cugel
“Practical men who believe themselves to be quite exempt from any intellectual influence are usually the slaves of some defunct economist”.
John Maynard Keynes
Debs
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Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Debs »

His addiction was getting out of hand.
First it was the Shakespeare but now he was doing poetry.
He’d gone from Bard to verse…
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