Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Use this board for general non-cycling-related chat, or to introduce yourself to the forum.
mattheus
Posts: 5044
Joined: 29 Dec 2008, 12:57pm
Location: Western Europe

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by mattheus »

pete75 wrote: 24 Mar 2022, 7:37am
richards wrote: 23 Mar 2022, 11:47pm Un peu raciste hein?
I wasn't aware the French and Belgians are different races.
Fair point.

The joke doesn't sound tooo nasty, but I don't "get it"; it ends in "... throw bread at the planes", oui? What is the implication being made by our French funster?
mattheus
Posts: 5044
Joined: 29 Dec 2008, 12:57pm
Location: Western Europe

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by mattheus »

oh hang on ... is it about feeding ducks?
Jdsk
Posts: 24639
Joined: 5 Mar 2019, 5:42pm

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Jdsk »

mattheus wrote: 24 Mar 2022, 9:21amThe joke doesn't sound tooo nasty, but I don't "get it"; it ends in "... throw bread at the planes", oui? What is the implication being made by our French funster?
That the other lot are stupid. Yes, feeding the aircraft as if they were live birds.

The French (and other neighbours) use the Belgians, the English use the Irish, the Germans use the Polish etc etc. The nastiness is variable, but IMO it's usually there somewhere.

Jonathan
Jdsk
Posts: 24639
Joined: 5 Mar 2019, 5:42pm

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Jdsk »

Jdsk wrote: 24 Mar 2022, 9:33am... the English use the Irish...
This was common when I was growing up. It's much rarer and much less acceptable now. Progress is possible.

Jonathan
User avatar
kylecycler
Posts: 1378
Joined: 12 Aug 2013, 4:09pm
Location: Kyle, Ayrshire

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by kylecycler »

I'm afraid one my favourite jokes is an Irish joke: Irishman's running down the road with a big duck under his arm, duck's going, "QUACK QUACK QUACK!", Irishman's saying, "AH'M GAWN' AS QUACK AS AH CAN!"
User avatar
Audax67
Posts: 6001
Joined: 25 Aug 2011, 9:02am
Location: Alsace, France
Contact:

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Audax67 »

The version I know has it that two Cullybackey ducks were crossing the road. One says "quack quack" and the other replies "I'm cyomin' as quack as I cyon". They talk that way down there, or at least they did 50 years ago.

Another has an American serviceman stationed in Norn Iron during WW2, and housed in someone's spare room in a village. Bored stiff one evening, he spies a local girl sitting by a stream, sits down beside her and starts to chat. Since she's friendly enough they get on well, and presently he broaches the topic that is foremost on his mind:

- What do you do about sex around here?

- About sex we usually have our tea.

Nuff said.
Have we got time for another cuppa?
User avatar
Cowsham
Posts: 4963
Joined: 4 Nov 2019, 1:33pm

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Cowsham »

Audax67 wrote: 24 Mar 2022, 4:18pm The version I know has it that two Cullybackey ducks were crossing the road. One says "quack quack" and the other replies "I'm cyomin' as quack as I cyon". They talk that way down there, or at least they did 50 years ago.

Another has an American serviceman stationed in Norn Iron during WW2, and housed in someone's spare room in a village. Bored stiff one evening, he spies a local girl sitting by a stream, sits down beside her and starts to chat. Since she's friendly enough they get on well, and presently he broaches the topic that is foremost on his mind:

- What do you do about sex around here?

- About sex we usually have our tea.

Nuff said.
Cullybackey is not that far from me ( cycled through there many times ) and so in the north so the joke would sound like

two Cullybackey ducks were crossing the road. One says "quack quack" and the other replies "I'm cumin' is quack is a kan"

I cycle through it as quak as a kan.

And the question about sex would get the reply " we get our sex from the farmer down the road he gets too many sex.
Last edited by Cowsham on 24 Mar 2022, 6:45pm, edited 1 time in total.
I am here. Where are you?
thirdcrank
Posts: 36776
Joined: 9 Jan 2007, 2:44pm

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by thirdcrank »

On a TV quiz programme this evening, a contestant had a question about Star Trek. As if he was a fan of the programme he quipped "I'm trying to cling on" (or something like that) which I thought was funney, especially under pressure
User avatar
Pastychomper
Posts: 432
Joined: 14 Nov 2017, 11:14am
Location: Caithness

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Pastychomper »

Jdsk wrote: 24 Mar 2022, 9:33am The French (and other neighbours) use the Belgians, the English use the Irish, the Germans use the Polish etc etc. The nastiness is variable, but IMO it's usually there somewhere.

Jonathan
And here in the back of beyond, the two main towns use each other. For example:

A mannie from Thurso was driving to Wick when he had a head-on collision with a Wick resident driving the other way. Fortunately nobody was hurt, but their cars ended up mangled in a ditch. The Wicker fished around in the remains of his car and pulled out a full bottle of whisky, somehow undamaged. He took it over to the other driver, saying "Look at this - our cars will be written off but here's you, me and this glass bottle miraculously unharmed. It's almost like a sign from the Almighty that we ought to forget our petty differences and celebrate our lives. Will you not have a drink with me?"
The Thurso man gratefully accepted and took a long draught from the bottle to steady his nerves. He tried to hand the bottle back, but the Wicker refused, saying "No, you hang on to it - I'm waiting until the police arrive."
Everyone's ghast should get a good flabbering now and then.
--Ole Boot
Jdsk
Posts: 24639
Joined: 5 Mar 2019, 5:42pm

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Jdsk »

Pastychomper wrote: 25 Mar 2022, 10:20am
Jdsk wrote: 24 Mar 2022, 9:33am The French (and other neighbours) use the Belgians, the English use the Irish, the Germans use the Polish etc etc. The nastiness is variable, but IMO it's usually there somewhere.
And here in the back of beyond, the two main towns use each other. For example:

A mannie from Thurso was driving to Wick when he had a head-on collision with a Wick resident driving the other way. Fortunately nobody was hurt, but their cars ended up mangled in a ditch. The Wicker fished around in the remains of his car and pulled out a full bottle of whisky, somehow undamaged. He took it over to the other driver, saying "Look at this - our cars will be written off but here's you, me and this glass bottle miraculously unharmed. It's almost like a sign from the Almighty that we ought to forget our petty differences and celebrate our lives. Will you not have a drink with me?"
The Thurso man gratefully accepted and took a long draught from the bottle to steady his nerves. He tried to hand the bottle back, but the Wicker refused, saying "No, you hang on to it - I'm waiting until the police arrive."
Thanks: I hadn't heard Thurso - Wick before.

The psychological mechanism seems to be wired in, and then we use local factors to determine how it's expressed. Or choose not to!

Jonathan
briansnail
Posts: 809
Joined: 1 Sep 2019, 3:07pm

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by briansnail »

An American Frenchman and a Russian were discussing true happiness.
The American said having a good car.
The Frenchman said having dinner with a lady who is a good conversationalist.
The Russian.The FSB knock on the door late at night. Viktor Smichlovich?

Response:"Sorry Sir He lives next door."
Debs
Posts: 1335
Joined: 19 May 2017, 7:05pm
Location: Powys

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Debs »

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines.
He’s a singer songwriter or sew it seams.
thirdcrank
Posts: 36776
Joined: 9 Jan 2007, 2:44pm

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by thirdcrank »

I'm in stitches
pete75
Posts: 16370
Joined: 24 Jul 2007, 2:37pm

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by pete75 »

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl...
After the honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

"It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age"

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age did you tell you are?" A friend asks.

With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"
'Give me my bike, a bit of sunshine - and a stop-off for a lunchtime pint - and I'm a happy man.' - Reg Baker
User avatar
Mick F
Spambuster
Posts: 56359
Joined: 7 Jan 2007, 11:24am
Location: Tamar Valley, Cornwall

Re: Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

Post by Mick F »

What's the difference between a duck?
Mick F. Cornwall
Post Reply