Funniest clean joke I've heard recently

[Audax67]

windows chat.jpg

AKA the wifey network.

[cycleruk]

windows chat.jpg

AKA the wifey network.

Did you hear about her from up the road. I heard that she was ?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVLtJxBqtSA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hrp78EZ4jCQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjVQOjBPJ_o

[Slowtwitch]

The past, the present, and future indicative walk into a bar.

It was very tense.

[Slowtwitch]

Times New Roman, Helvetica and Franklin Gothic walk into a bar.

I'm sorry, says the barman. We don't serve your type in here

[Cowsham]

windows chat.jpg

AKA the wifey network.

Did you hear about her from up the road. I heard that she was ?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVLtJxBqtSA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hrp78EZ4jCQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjVQOjBPJ_o

Our version

https://youtu.be/nODYOP6G_Pk

https://youtu.be/H0sMZHlfNb8

[Slowtwitch]

A man walks into a bar and orders 12 shots of malt whisky. Before the barman even returns with the bill, the man has slammed back half of them and shows no signs of slowing down. As the guy finishes his final shot, the barman asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy wipes his mouth and replies, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had." The barman, concerned asks, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "One pound fifty,” and runs out the door.

[Slowtwitch]

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman, all walk into a bar and order a beer. The barman pours them three beers, however there are flies in each pint of beer.

The Englishman pushes the beer aside and says, “That’s disgusting, I can't drink that! ”

The Irishman pulls the fly out and starts drinking the beer.The Scotsman pulls the fly out, sets it on the counter and shouts, “SPIT THAT OUT YOU B#@T%#D.”

[Debs]

Thinking of doing a Victor Meldrew impersonation?

a) don’t

b) leave it

[mattheus]

Thinking of doing a Victor Meldrew impersonation?

a) don’t

b) leave it

Had to read that twice ...

[reohn2]

On a very dark night lashing down with rain,a man and his wife are tucked up in bed cozy and warm about to nod off to sleep when there suddenly comes banging on the front door.
They both look at one another,the lady says "you better go down and see who it is"
So dutifully the chap puts on his jeans and t shirt and goes down,opens the door to a man soaked to the skin who says "please help me I need a push!".
The chap says "what do you think I am the RAC,f*** off and don't come knocking on my door again!" and slams the door in his face.
He then returns to bed where his wife say "who was it?"
He says "some idiot wanting a push,I told him to get lost I'm not a breakdown service"
His wife says "well that's not very nice,remember a couple of years ago when we had a puncture in the car and a man stopped and helped because you didn't know how to change the wheel? Well I think you should return the favour and go and help that man outside who needs your help"
So reluctantly the chap puts his jeans and t shirt on again,goes down stairs into the pitch black night and shouts into the blackness "WHERE'S THE MAN WHO NEEDS A PUSH?"
A voice out of the darkness shouts back "OVER HERE,I'M ON THE SWING"

[Cowsham]

On a very dark night lashing down with rain,a man and his wife are tucked up in bed cozy and warm about to nod off to sleep when there suddenly comes banging on the front door.
They both look at one another,the lady says "you better go down and see who it is"
So dutifully the chap puts on his jeans and t shirt and goes down,opens the door to a man soaked to the skin who says "please help me I need a push!".
The chap says "what do you think I am the RAC,f*** off and don't come knocking on my door again!" and slams the door in his face.
He then returns to bed where his wife say "who was it?"
He says "some idiot wanting a push,I told him to get lost I'm not a breakdown service"
His wife says "well that's not very nice,remember a couple of years ago when we had a puncture in the car and a man stopped and helped because you didn't know how to change the wheel? Well I think you should return the favour and go and help that man outside who needs your help"
So reluctantly the chap puts his jeans and t shirt on again,goes down stairs into the pitch black night and shouts into the blackness "WHERE'S THE MAN WHO NEEDS A PUSH?"
A voice out of the darkness shouts back "OVER HERE,I'M ON THE SWING"

[kylecycler]

On a very dark night lashing down with rain,a man and his wife are tucked up in bed cozy and warm about to nod off to sleep when there suddenly comes banging on the front door.
They both look at one another,the lady says "you better go down and see who it is"
So dutifully the chap puts on his jeans and t shirt and goes down,opens the door to a man soaked to the skin who says "please help me I need a push!".
The chap says "what do you think I am the RAC,f*** off and don't come knocking on my door again!" and slams the door in his face.
He then returns to bed where his wife say "who was it?"
He says "some idiot wanting a push,I told him to get lost I'm not a breakdown service"
His wife says "well that's not very nice,remember a couple of years ago when we had a puncture in the car and a man stopped and helped because you didn't know how to change the wheel? Well I think you should return the favour and go and help that man outside who needs your help"
So reluctantly the chap puts his jeans and t shirt on again,goes down stairs into the pitch black night and shouts into the blackness "WHERE'S THE MAN WHO NEEDS A PUSH?"
A voice out of the darkness shouts back "OVER HERE,I'M ON THE SWING"

Believe it or not, that's essentially a true story about Tommy Steele - I remember hearing it in a documentary about him donkey's years ago. He tended to get a bit hyper at nights and pretty much did what the joke describes - knocked on someone's door, asked for a push and turned out to be out in the garden on the swing. Whether he'd heard the joke first and was just having a laugh or whether the joke's about him I wouldn't know, but it did actually happen.

[pete75]

A French joke.

Comment reconnaître un Belge dans un aéroport?

C'est le seul qui lance du pain aux avions.

[richards]

Un peu raciste hein?

[pete75]

Un peu raciste hein?

I wasn't aware the French and Belgians are different races.